The week after the Royal Wedding celebration was tough, I then felt very frustrated and angry at feeling sick all the time. It feels like every day there is something wrong and I just get incredibly annoyed. I feel pressure to be at work (mainly from myself), this is so hard when I have zero get up and go and don't want to step outside my front door.
I got to a bit of a breaking point where I felt I needed to take some extended leave. I went as far as speaking to Lois about it even though I knew deep down that it wasn't what I really wanted. I'm pleased to say that I've put those ideas to one side for now!
Over the next couple of days I felt better and after doing a week in the office felt much stronger and happier. It's never about wanting to leave work with me, more about the strain I feel I am putting on my colleagues, it's really upsetting and when I have those down days as I just can't see any clear way out.
Last week I went down with gastroentiritus, 7 days of horrendous-ness! Initially I just couldn't believe my luck but as the Dr said, everyone gets infections like this and it's not my fault, or connected to my other health problems. Ironically by the end of last week I was feeling the best I had done in a while although unfortunately I did have a bit of a relapse yesterday and feeling drained and low again today.
I've increased my anti-depressant medication but my GP did also warn that because of the gastroentiritus, the tablets may not have been fully absorbed and could have a knock on effect. I didn't really think it would but it feels that way today.
I just find that I'm constantly questioning, often when there is no answer. Do I feel rubbish because I've had a nasty infection or is it because my tablets have increased, or is it because they didn't work fully last week?! It's funny how last week I didn't feel so out of control, I understood what was wrong with me, other people understood what was wrong. I knew it would take 1-2 weeks to feel better and that would be that. As always with the GAD I don't know when I will feel good or bad, when the tablets will work and when I will feel normal or if I ever will!
I feel like this post isn't as inspiring as some others but I feel it's important for others going through this to see that it's not all rosy for me and also for myself to acknowledge the bad times, sometimes it's easy to just brush these days under the carpet.
Wednesday 25 May 2011
You are cordially invited...
To celebrate the wedding of Wills & Kate, Ash had the brilliant idea of throwing an afternoon tea party for close friends and family as a way of saying thank you for their support over the last 10 months.
We had a fantastic day and it was another situation where I could see the progress that I had made. Firstly I ordered in - I know for a fact I would have spent hours and hours making food in the past, putting myself under huge pressure. What's the point when Sainsbury's make super sandwich platters?! I also asked everyone to bring something along, I felt a bit cheeky but no one seemed to mind!
I also took time to sit down and made time for everyone that came. I used to be so swept up in hosting that I'd often have no time to enjoy it myself so this was a whole new experience for me and what a lovely one it was too!
We had a fantastic day and it was another situation where I could see the progress that I had made. Firstly I ordered in - I know for a fact I would have spent hours and hours making food in the past, putting myself under huge pressure. What's the point when Sainsbury's make super sandwich platters?! I also asked everyone to bring something along, I felt a bit cheeky but no one seemed to mind!
I also took time to sit down and made time for everyone that came. I used to be so swept up in hosting that I'd often have no time to enjoy it myself so this was a whole new experience for me and what a lovely one it was too!
I heart Jersey
In my last post I spoke about taking a trip to Jersey and the anxious feelings I was having ahead of the flight.
I am very excited to write that I coped really well! As we arrived at Gatwick I could feel the anxiety rising in my body. I felt hot, nauseas, shaky, a little unsteady but I recognised it as anxiety and talked myself through it. I knew if I didn't accept what it was then I could easily spiral into panic and I really did not want that to happen. The airport was bright and busy and I had to focus. I found security noisy and stimulating but got through it and sat down when I got to the other side. I chose not to browse around the shops and restaurants this time, as it was the first time in a while, and went to the gate where I could wait quietly. I distracted myself from thinking about the flight by playing Boggle on the iPad which worked a treat and I boarded the aircraft calmly. I felt in control. The flight was really enjoyable and the whole experience in hindsight was one of the best I've had in a number of years. Yessss!
The trip started on the right foot and continued in that way. One of my main areas for worry stems around the need to be constantly reassured about my Husbands safety. I have had a number of pretty serious 'meltdowns' in the past when Ash has been working away from home and I had convinced myself that something awful had happened to him. This is something we have been working on at therapy and I saw how far I had come whilst on this trip. Ash was out working from 7am-7pm and I didn't get in contact once. On one of the days he even flew to Guernsey on a tiny 16 seater prop plane and I didn't even need to know that he had landed safely. This will seem minor to people who haven't suffered with this but it has eaten me up in the past and for me to spend 3 days on my own without checking news reports for bombs or car crashes was totally liberating.
I pushed myself while I was in Jersey. I had a hire car for a day and drove myself around without a map, not caring if I got lost. I had got into the habit of shying away in hotels, ordering room service to avoid going out and feeling uncomfortable and judged on my appearance. While I was here I made myself choose a different restaurant every evening and adopted a genuine 'don't give a toss' attitude. The result was that I had such a more fulfilled experience, we ate thai food on the beach, we went to a beach bar where we were the oldest people by 15 years, we even got dressed up and dined in an exquisite michelin starred restaurant, I even asked the sommelier for help choosing a delicious glass of wine. Things I have not done in far too long. I felt like ME!
On my last day there, I even went and sat down at the beach, in a swimsuit and beach dress, right by all the surfers and read my book. And I don't think anyone even gave a hoot - that's the thing I'm realising, there are a few mean, nasty people in this world who will always go out of their way to make others feel bad about themselves but on the whole, people are wrapped up in their own worlds and do not even notice or care!
I did push the boundaries and the good far outweighs the bad but it wasn't a miraculous cure. I still felt poorly most days, I just think that by spending time on my own, there was no pressure. I spent the days quietly with no music or TV (I have never felt comfortable with this in my life!) reading and watching the waves, but if I felt tired or unwell, I could lay down for a while and it was of no concern to anyone.
There is one day that I keep thinking about. The second day I was there, the Tuesday. I am not sure what happened but I can hold my hands up and say that it was the most relaxed I have ever felt in my life. I never really understand people when they say 'I feel so relaxed' or 'I am so chilled out' I'd usually just nod along thinking I'd felt it and knew what they were talking about. However, I now do! By the time Ash finished work that day and came home, I felt so completely relaxed, it was almost euphoric and I had even been laughing to myself! We went out for some dinner, I felt calm, confident and was engaging with staff and locals, it felt so fantastic. This is what I want to strive for on a more regular basis!
So all in all it was brilliant, I am now ready for my next challenge!
I am very excited to write that I coped really well! As we arrived at Gatwick I could feel the anxiety rising in my body. I felt hot, nauseas, shaky, a little unsteady but I recognised it as anxiety and talked myself through it. I knew if I didn't accept what it was then I could easily spiral into panic and I really did not want that to happen. The airport was bright and busy and I had to focus. I found security noisy and stimulating but got through it and sat down when I got to the other side. I chose not to browse around the shops and restaurants this time, as it was the first time in a while, and went to the gate where I could wait quietly. I distracted myself from thinking about the flight by playing Boggle on the iPad which worked a treat and I boarded the aircraft calmly. I felt in control. The flight was really enjoyable and the whole experience in hindsight was one of the best I've had in a number of years. Yessss!
The trip started on the right foot and continued in that way. One of my main areas for worry stems around the need to be constantly reassured about my Husbands safety. I have had a number of pretty serious 'meltdowns' in the past when Ash has been working away from home and I had convinced myself that something awful had happened to him. This is something we have been working on at therapy and I saw how far I had come whilst on this trip. Ash was out working from 7am-7pm and I didn't get in contact once. On one of the days he even flew to Guernsey on a tiny 16 seater prop plane and I didn't even need to know that he had landed safely. This will seem minor to people who haven't suffered with this but it has eaten me up in the past and for me to spend 3 days on my own without checking news reports for bombs or car crashes was totally liberating.
I pushed myself while I was in Jersey. I had a hire car for a day and drove myself around without a map, not caring if I got lost. I had got into the habit of shying away in hotels, ordering room service to avoid going out and feeling uncomfortable and judged on my appearance. While I was here I made myself choose a different restaurant every evening and adopted a genuine 'don't give a toss' attitude. The result was that I had such a more fulfilled experience, we ate thai food on the beach, we went to a beach bar where we were the oldest people by 15 years, we even got dressed up and dined in an exquisite michelin starred restaurant, I even asked the sommelier for help choosing a delicious glass of wine. Things I have not done in far too long. I felt like ME!
On my last day there, I even went and sat down at the beach, in a swimsuit and beach dress, right by all the surfers and read my book. And I don't think anyone even gave a hoot - that's the thing I'm realising, there are a few mean, nasty people in this world who will always go out of their way to make others feel bad about themselves but on the whole, people are wrapped up in their own worlds and do not even notice or care!
I did push the boundaries and the good far outweighs the bad but it wasn't a miraculous cure. I still felt poorly most days, I just think that by spending time on my own, there was no pressure. I spent the days quietly with no music or TV (I have never felt comfortable with this in my life!) reading and watching the waves, but if I felt tired or unwell, I could lay down for a while and it was of no concern to anyone.
There is one day that I keep thinking about. The second day I was there, the Tuesday. I am not sure what happened but I can hold my hands up and say that it was the most relaxed I have ever felt in my life. I never really understand people when they say 'I feel so relaxed' or 'I am so chilled out' I'd usually just nod along thinking I'd felt it and knew what they were talking about. However, I now do! By the time Ash finished work that day and came home, I felt so completely relaxed, it was almost euphoric and I had even been laughing to myself! We went out for some dinner, I felt calm, confident and was engaging with staff and locals, it felt so fantastic. This is what I want to strive for on a more regular basis!
So all in all it was brilliant, I am now ready for my next challenge!
Where does the time go?!
I've been meaning to sit down and update my blog for a couple of weeks now, but the time just flies by! Lots has been happening, some good, some not so good, so I'm going to backtrack a little and fill you in. If I'm honest, I'm struggling today so I have been reading over my old posts for inspiration and to remind me how far I've come. I often feel like I'm making no progress so having this is super as I can see that I am! I hope you're all keeping well and have been enjoying the sunshine.
Saturday 16 April 2011
Opening the floodgates...
After 2 weeks of gradually feeling worse, I finally hit my low on Thursday. The day started off well and I had a great therapy session. When I came out I had a little bit of news which caused a rather emotional (over) reaction and I started to lose the plot at a rapid rate!
It was without doubt one of the worst days I've had in a very long time, emotionally and physically draining. I cried for 3 hours non stop and I mean proper sobbing, not this quiet sniffling nonsense! It's times like this when your support network really comes into play. I phoned Lois and completely broke-down, there's only a handful of people I'd feel comfortable seeing with mascara streaming down my cheeks and she was here in an instant. I felt overwhelmed, I couldn't gain control, I had thoughts of never getting through this, anger, frustration and a huge desire (for a few short moments) to give up trying... after all, day in, day out this is really hard work and although I manage to pull a smile out of the bag most of the time, I still have that instinct inside telling me that although the 'bad days' are getting fewer, I still get them and things are just not easy at the moment, end of.
As always, I am trying to look at this experience positively and I have always believed that when you feel that you've hot rock bottom then there is only one way to go and that is up.
Suffice to say, a cup of horlicks and an early night seemed to have the desired effect and I woke up on Friday morning feeling brighter despite feeling absolutely drained from the day before - almost like a hangover without the fun which has to be the most unfair thing ever! I got myself up, did some work and even made it into the office, the first time since Monday which was a great personal achievement.
I now have a couple of weeks off work, a few days away and a few days at home. I'm looking forward to the break although this will be the first time going on a plane since being diagnosed with GAD (hence a 30 minute flight to start me off!). I am already feeling anxious but I will make myself do it no matter what! It's a perfect opportunity to put into practice everything I have learnt about worry and panic and I am looking forward to the destination. I'll be recharging my batteries and taking some time out for me. It's amazing how much I look forward to some quiet alone time now, I couldn't stand it before! So, for now I am back on the way up. I have learnt the hard way that I cannot predict how long this will last for, so I'm going to continue to take each day as it comes and enjoy each moment as best I can. That's all I can do. Eventually this will pass and in the meantime I'm determined not to lose my smile :-)
It was without doubt one of the worst days I've had in a very long time, emotionally and physically draining. I cried for 3 hours non stop and I mean proper sobbing, not this quiet sniffling nonsense! It's times like this when your support network really comes into play. I phoned Lois and completely broke-down, there's only a handful of people I'd feel comfortable seeing with mascara streaming down my cheeks and she was here in an instant. I felt overwhelmed, I couldn't gain control, I had thoughts of never getting through this, anger, frustration and a huge desire (for a few short moments) to give up trying... after all, day in, day out this is really hard work and although I manage to pull a smile out of the bag most of the time, I still have that instinct inside telling me that although the 'bad days' are getting fewer, I still get them and things are just not easy at the moment, end of.
As always, I am trying to look at this experience positively and I have always believed that when you feel that you've hot rock bottom then there is only one way to go and that is up.
Suffice to say, a cup of horlicks and an early night seemed to have the desired effect and I woke up on Friday morning feeling brighter despite feeling absolutely drained from the day before - almost like a hangover without the fun which has to be the most unfair thing ever! I got myself up, did some work and even made it into the office, the first time since Monday which was a great personal achievement.
I now have a couple of weeks off work, a few days away and a few days at home. I'm looking forward to the break although this will be the first time going on a plane since being diagnosed with GAD (hence a 30 minute flight to start me off!). I am already feeling anxious but I will make myself do it no matter what! It's a perfect opportunity to put into practice everything I have learnt about worry and panic and I am looking forward to the destination. I'll be recharging my batteries and taking some time out for me. It's amazing how much I look forward to some quiet alone time now, I couldn't stand it before! So, for now I am back on the way up. I have learnt the hard way that I cannot predict how long this will last for, so I'm going to continue to take each day as it comes and enjoy each moment as best I can. That's all I can do. Eventually this will pass and in the meantime I'm determined not to lose my smile :-)
Thursday 14 April 2011
Baby you're a Firework...
Have just woken up this morning to a wonderful email from a good friend of mine. At the end of the message she posted the words to Firework by Katy Perry, I've listened to the song so many times but not actually listened to the words! If you're also going through a tough time, you might like this :-)
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting throught the wind
Wanting to start again
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in
Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there’s still a chance for you
Cause there’s a spark in you
You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July
Cause baby you’re a firework
Come on show ‘em what your worth
Make ‘em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby you’re a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make ‘em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
You’re gunna leave ‘em fallin’ down-own-own
You don’t have to feel like a waste of space
You’re original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow
Maybe you’re reason why all the doors are closed
So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it’s time, you’ll know
You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July
Cause baby you’re a firework
Come on show ‘em what your worth
Make ‘em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby you’re a firework
Come on slet your colors burst
Make ‘em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
You’re gunna leave ‘em fallin’ down-own-own
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It’s always been inside of you, you, you
And now it’s time to let it through
Cause baby you’re a firework
Come on show ‘em what your worth
Make ‘em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby you’re a firework
Come on slet your colors burst
Make ‘em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
You’re gunna leave ‘em goin “Oh, oh, oh!”
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting throught the wind
Wanting to start again
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in
Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there’s still a chance for you
Cause there’s a spark in you
You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July
Cause baby you’re a firework
Come on show ‘em what your worth
Make ‘em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby you’re a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make ‘em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
You’re gunna leave ‘em fallin’ down-own-own
You don’t have to feel like a waste of space
You’re original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow
Maybe you’re reason why all the doors are closed
So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it’s time, you’ll know
You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July
Cause baby you’re a firework
Come on show ‘em what your worth
Make ‘em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby you’re a firework
Come on slet your colors burst
Make ‘em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
You’re gunna leave ‘em fallin’ down-own-own
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It’s always been inside of you, you, you
And now it’s time to let it through
Cause baby you’re a firework
Come on show ‘em what your worth
Make ‘em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby you’re a firework
Come on slet your colors burst
Make ‘em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
You’re gunna leave ‘em goin “Oh, oh, oh!”
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Wednesday 13 April 2011
When is enough, enough?
Another week on and I am still having what I refer to as a 'blip'. I've been on a bit of a downward spiral for the last couple of weeks and as I have another therapy session tomorrow, I thought I may as well fill you in on my week!
I had three or so great weeks recently, I felt fantastic and threw myself back into my old ways - I think this is perfectly natural, we feel 'normal' and like we can take on the world. I am a standard driven person and will always push myself hard, often to extremes and as we know that's why I ended up where I did. So a little taste of the old me led me to throw myself back into work, doing longer days than I should and I was 'hooked' again. This immediately had a detrimental effect and almost ground me to a halt. Since then I have still been working every day but in the past week have struggled to get out of the front door and those feelings of anxiety have been creeping back in. I have felt physically ill and mentally exhausted. I can't explain it and I certainly can't control it but one thing is clear, in order to manage this condition effectively I need to find some way to lower my standards (whilst still keeping them good!) and to know my boundaries.
Very high standards or perfectionism go hand in hand with stress, anxiety, fatigue and self criticism, so why would anyone want to be like this? Last year I was not only like this at work but with my social performance, my business, my work birthday buffet(!), infact, everything!
What I need to now do is ask myself a different set of questions. Are these standards working for me? What are the health risks? From my previous posts and knowing what I now know, I want a calmer life, I want a more balanced life. I am enjoying eating healthily and spending time with Ash, my doggy and my family. Over the past couple of weeks I can see that I have lost a bit of this balance and my 'rules' have started firing again, so it's time to ask, 'what is enough?' At the moment I honestly do not know, have I fallen into bad habits? Do I want constant acknowledgement for my hard efforts and if so, why?
All I know is at the moment whatever I have done or am doing is not working well for me and I need to make some more changes.. more changes on this ever interesting journey! It's a voyage of discovery and as always, I'm sure I will keep you posted with my findings!
I had three or so great weeks recently, I felt fantastic and threw myself back into my old ways - I think this is perfectly natural, we feel 'normal' and like we can take on the world. I am a standard driven person and will always push myself hard, often to extremes and as we know that's why I ended up where I did. So a little taste of the old me led me to throw myself back into work, doing longer days than I should and I was 'hooked' again. This immediately had a detrimental effect and almost ground me to a halt. Since then I have still been working every day but in the past week have struggled to get out of the front door and those feelings of anxiety have been creeping back in. I have felt physically ill and mentally exhausted. I can't explain it and I certainly can't control it but one thing is clear, in order to manage this condition effectively I need to find some way to lower my standards (whilst still keeping them good!) and to know my boundaries.
Very high standards or perfectionism go hand in hand with stress, anxiety, fatigue and self criticism, so why would anyone want to be like this? Last year I was not only like this at work but with my social performance, my business, my work birthday buffet(!), infact, everything!
What I need to now do is ask myself a different set of questions. Are these standards working for me? What are the health risks? From my previous posts and knowing what I now know, I want a calmer life, I want a more balanced life. I am enjoying eating healthily and spending time with Ash, my doggy and my family. Over the past couple of weeks I can see that I have lost a bit of this balance and my 'rules' have started firing again, so it's time to ask, 'what is enough?' At the moment I honestly do not know, have I fallen into bad habits? Do I want constant acknowledgement for my hard efforts and if so, why?
All I know is at the moment whatever I have done or am doing is not working well for me and I need to make some more changes.. more changes on this ever interesting journey! It's a voyage of discovery and as always, I'm sure I will keep you posted with my findings!
Tuesday 5 April 2011
What goes up, must come down (and go back up again!)
I'd been waiting for this little blip to pass before writing my next post, but I've been feeling off colour for a week now so I thought that it might be useful for anyone reading this who is going through the same thing to see that the road to recovery is a bumpy one, no matter how upbeat and positive you are and that is OK!
Last Tuesday I actually felt great in the morning, I went to work, came home and had been looking forward to week 3 of meditation. Over the course of the afternoon I took a downturn and started to feel poorly. I had 48 hours of what I can only describe as flu without the flu(!), I felt sick and achy, I had a sore throat and felt really run down. I had to cancel therapy on Thursday which wasn't ideal, but there was no way could I muster up any energy to leave the house. Every time I go out, even if it's to the newsagent it is a big effort and psychologically I need to be in the right frame of mind.
I had a better day on Friday but completely over did it by doing 9 hours at work (not technically my fault for once!) and although the weekend was a lovely one doing some bits of shopping and visiting our Mums on Mothers Day, it was sociable and tiring. Lois summed it up perfectly at work today, she said it's like imagining myself as a sponge soaking up water and after those few busier days I needed to have all the water squeezed out!
I woke up yesterday with a terrible migraine and suffered with nausea and low mood all day. Today wasn't too much better although I did manage to get myself up and out to the office which was a good thing. I find the office a very stimulating environment with the noise and lights and constant interaction.
Something that I have been trying at the office when I need it is plugging my iPod in. If you are struggling too then I can highly recommend it. It is against our general office policy so you may also need to seek special permission. I have only used it a couple of times when I've really felt the need but it has helped me stay at work far longer than I would have felt able to under normal circumstances.
So, I apologise that this post isn't quite as full of the joys of spring that I would have hoped but I can assure anyone with something similar that I know myself that these bumps in the road are getting fewer and are also less frequent and when I look back I can still see the massive progress that I am making and you will too.
Last Tuesday I actually felt great in the morning, I went to work, came home and had been looking forward to week 3 of meditation. Over the course of the afternoon I took a downturn and started to feel poorly. I had 48 hours of what I can only describe as flu without the flu(!), I felt sick and achy, I had a sore throat and felt really run down. I had to cancel therapy on Thursday which wasn't ideal, but there was no way could I muster up any energy to leave the house. Every time I go out, even if it's to the newsagent it is a big effort and psychologically I need to be in the right frame of mind.
I had a better day on Friday but completely over did it by doing 9 hours at work (not technically my fault for once!) and although the weekend was a lovely one doing some bits of shopping and visiting our Mums on Mothers Day, it was sociable and tiring. Lois summed it up perfectly at work today, she said it's like imagining myself as a sponge soaking up water and after those few busier days I needed to have all the water squeezed out!
I woke up yesterday with a terrible migraine and suffered with nausea and low mood all day. Today wasn't too much better although I did manage to get myself up and out to the office which was a good thing. I find the office a very stimulating environment with the noise and lights and constant interaction.
Something that I have been trying at the office when I need it is plugging my iPod in. If you are struggling too then I can highly recommend it. It is against our general office policy so you may also need to seek special permission. I have only used it a couple of times when I've really felt the need but it has helped me stay at work far longer than I would have felt able to under normal circumstances.
So, I apologise that this post isn't quite as full of the joys of spring that I would have hoped but I can assure anyone with something similar that I know myself that these bumps in the road are getting fewer and are also less frequent and when I look back I can still see the massive progress that I am making and you will too.
Sunday 27 March 2011
A bizarre night
It just goes to show that when you think you are making real progress, you can get taken down every now and then. I've had a good few weeks of much better sleep & despite still suffering with VERY strange dreams (part anxiety, part medication I think!) I've been having a better quality of sleep. Last night I suddenly woke up at 3am, I felt confused and disorientated, I must have been having a bad dream but I can't remember the content. I got very tearful and felt really frightened, I asked Ash if he would mind sleeping with the bedside light on as I just thought I could hear someone outside and a light always seems to help me in these situations, of course there was no-one there but I felt really freaked out.
I calmed myself down with some breathing techniques and warm milk which is always good for these situations and I did eventually doze back off. When I thought about it this morning I had an unusually busy day yesterday, I have been avoiding busy situations through fear of having a panic attack but I promised John I would try and get myself into some more crowded places and it just so happened that we needed to go and get a bookcase from Ikea (Ikea on a Saturday, hello?!). I did it and I was very pleased but it really did push all my buttons and although I didn't have a panic attack, my adrenal glands must have been working overtime. I was very aware of everyone and everything and very hot/sweaty. I generally felt extremely uncomfortable. I had foolishly not eaten or drunk much all day and when we got in the car to come home I had a bit of a funny turn. On reflection I think this could have contributed to my bad night, I think that all the nerves in my body had been stimulated to the max and as always there were lessons to be learned. I think I was just so relieved to get through the experience (although Ash had lured me with a decaf Starbucks as a reward!).
Hopefully today's nice quiet day with an early night tonight will see me back on the right track and hey, I combatted Ikea on a Saturday so at least something positive came out of it! John will be pleased when I see him on Thursday and hey, a bad night or two in the scheme of things? No biggie. They are getting fewer and farther in between and that's good enough for me!
I calmed myself down with some breathing techniques and warm milk which is always good for these situations and I did eventually doze back off. When I thought about it this morning I had an unusually busy day yesterday, I have been avoiding busy situations through fear of having a panic attack but I promised John I would try and get myself into some more crowded places and it just so happened that we needed to go and get a bookcase from Ikea (Ikea on a Saturday, hello?!). I did it and I was very pleased but it really did push all my buttons and although I didn't have a panic attack, my adrenal glands must have been working overtime. I was very aware of everyone and everything and very hot/sweaty. I generally felt extremely uncomfortable. I had foolishly not eaten or drunk much all day and when we got in the car to come home I had a bit of a funny turn. On reflection I think this could have contributed to my bad night, I think that all the nerves in my body had been stimulated to the max and as always there were lessons to be learned. I think I was just so relieved to get through the experience (although Ash had lured me with a decaf Starbucks as a reward!).
Hopefully today's nice quiet day with an early night tonight will see me back on the right track and hey, I combatted Ikea on a Saturday so at least something positive came out of it! John will be pleased when I see him on Thursday and hey, a bad night or two in the scheme of things? No biggie. They are getting fewer and farther in between and that's good enough for me!
Useful Books
Here is a list of the books I have used that I have found really interesting/helpful (available on Amazon):
Depressive Illness, The Curse of the Strong - Dr Tim Cantopher
Mind over Mood (workbook)
Mindfulness for Dummies with Audio CD
Buddhism for Dummies
The Monk who sold his Ferrari
Books on prescription.
There are a number of books available for hire from the library on a free prescription, why not ask your GP about similar local schemes for you?
I tried 'Overcoming Anxiety' which was good, but there are lots of other books available too.
Depressive Illness, The Curse of the Strong - Dr Tim Cantopher
Mind over Mood (workbook)
Mindfulness for Dummies with Audio CD
Buddhism for Dummies
The Monk who sold his Ferrari
Books on prescription.
There are a number of books available for hire from the library on a free prescription, why not ask your GP about similar local schemes for you?
I tried 'Overcoming Anxiety' which was good, but there are lots of other books available too.
Are you a 'Type A' ?
I mentioned earlier having traits of a 'Type A' personality, but what does that mean? I found a nice clear explanation on Wikipedia:
Originally published in the 1950s, the Type A and Type B personality theory is a theory which describes two common, contrasting personality types—the high-strung Type A and the easy-going Type B—as patterns of behavior that could either raise or lower, respectively, one's chances of developing coronary heart disease.
Originally published in the 1950s, the Type A and Type B personality theory is a theory which describes two common, contrasting personality types—the high-strung Type A and the easy-going Type B—as patterns of behavior that could either raise or lower, respectively, one's chances of developing coronary heart disease.
Despite any and all the criticisms of the theory, many people continue to use the terms "Type A" and "Type B" purely to describe personalities, though some still equate the Type A personality with medical disorders like coronary heart disease.
[edit]Type A
The theory describes a Type A individual as ambitious, aggressive, business-like, controlling, highly competitive, impatient, preoccupied with his or her status, time-conscious, andtightly-wound. People with Type A personalities are often high-achieving "workaholics" who multi-task, push themselves with deadlines, and hate both delays and ambivalence.
In his 1996 book, Type A Behavior: Its Diagnosis and Treatment, Friedman suggests that Type A behavior is expressed in three major symptoms: free-floating hostility, which can be triggered by even minor incidents; time urgency and impatience, which causes irritation and exasperation; and a competitive drive, which causes stress and an achievement-driven mentality. The first of these symptoms is believed to be covert and therefore less observable, while the other two are more overt.[3]
Because of these characteristics, Type A individuals are often described as "stress junkies" by individuals with Type B or other personality types.[citation needed] Many successful business and political leaders have Type A personalities.
[edit]Type B
The theory describes Type B individuals as perfect contrast to those with Type A personalities. People with Type B personalities are generally patient, relaxed, easy-going, and at times lacking an overriding sense of urgency.
Because of these characteristics, Type B individuals are often described as apathetic and disengaged by individuals with Type A or other personality types.[citation needed]
[edit]Type AB
There is also a Type AB personality type, which is a profile for people who cannot be clearly categorized as either Type A or Type B.
What are you? why not take the Discovery Health personality test here:
http://cl1.psychtests.com/take_test.php?idRegTest=2986
Let me know what you get!
Friday 25 March 2011
We're not the only ones!
As listed on anxietysecrets.com here are a list of celebs who have spoken out about their anxiety disorder:
Isaac Asimov (author)
Kim Basinger (actress)
Roseanne Barr (comedian)
David Bowie (singer)
Charlotte Bronte (author)
Robert Burns (poet)
Barbara Bush (former First Lady - U.S.)
John Candy (comedian)
Earl Campbell (football star)
Naomi Campbell (model)
Dean Cain (actor)
Deanna Carter (singer)
Ray Charles (musician)
Eric Clapton (musician)
Dick Clark (television personality)
Cher (singer, actress)
Michael Crichton (writer)
Sheryl Crow (musician)
Johnny Depp (actor)
Tony Dow (actor director)
Jim Eisenreich (baseball)
Michael English (singer)
Edie Falco (actress)
Sally Field (actress)
Sigmund Freud (psychiatrist)
Aretha Franklin (singer)
James Garner (actor)
Barbara Gordon (filmmaker)
Shecky Greene (comedian)
Pete Harnisch (baseball star)
Anthony Hopkins (actor)
Olivia Hussey (actress)
Beverly Johnson (supermodel)
Naomi Judd (singer)
Al Kasha (songwriter)
Leila Kenzle (actress)
Nicole Kidman (actress)
Courtney Love (singer - actress)
John Madden (announcer)
Howie Mandel (comic)
Robert McFarlane (former National Security Advisor - U.S.)
John Cougar Mellancamp (musician, actor)
John Stuart Mill (philosopher)
Alanis Morisette (singer)
Edvard Munch (artist)
Sir Isaac Newton (scientist)
Lani O'Grady (actress)
Sir Laurence Olivier (actor)
Donny Osmond (actor)
Marie Osmand (entertainer)
Robin Quivers (radio host)
Bonnie Raitt (musician)
Burt Reynolds (actor)
Joan Rivers (actress)
Winona Ryder (actress)
Charles Schultz (cartoonist)
Willard Scott (weatherman)
Sam Shepard (playwright)
Sissy Spacek (actress)
Carly Simon (singer)
Tom Snyder (host)
John Steinbeck (author)
Howard Stern (king of media)
Barbra Streisand (singer)
Dave Stewart of the (singer – Eurythmics)
Nikola Tesla (inventor)Susan Powter (tv host)
Anne Tyler (author)
Ricky Williams (atlete)
Ann Wilson (singer)
Oprah Winfrey (host)
W.B. Yeats (poet)
Isaac Asimov (author)
Kim Basinger (actress)
Roseanne Barr (comedian)
David Bowie (singer)
Charlotte Bronte (author)
Robert Burns (poet)
Barbara Bush (former First Lady - U.S.)
John Candy (comedian)
Earl Campbell (football star)
Naomi Campbell (model)
Dean Cain (actor)
Deanna Carter (singer)
Ray Charles (musician)
Eric Clapton (musician)
Dick Clark (television personality)
Cher (singer, actress)
Michael Crichton (writer)
Sheryl Crow (musician)
Johnny Depp (actor)
Tony Dow (actor director)
Jim Eisenreich (baseball)
Michael English (singer)
Edie Falco (actress)
Sally Field (actress)
Sigmund Freud (psychiatrist)
Aretha Franklin (singer)
James Garner (actor)
Barbara Gordon (filmmaker)
Shecky Greene (comedian)
Pete Harnisch (baseball star)
Anthony Hopkins (actor)
Olivia Hussey (actress)
Beverly Johnson (supermodel)
Naomi Judd (singer)
Al Kasha (songwriter)
Leila Kenzle (actress)
Nicole Kidman (actress)
Courtney Love (singer - actress)
John Madden (announcer)
Howie Mandel (comic)
Robert McFarlane (former National Security Advisor - U.S.)
John Cougar Mellancamp (musician, actor)
John Stuart Mill (philosopher)
Alanis Morisette (singer)
Edvard Munch (artist)
Sir Isaac Newton (scientist)
Lani O'Grady (actress)
Sir Laurence Olivier (actor)
Donny Osmond (actor)
Marie Osmand (entertainer)
Robin Quivers (radio host)
Bonnie Raitt (musician)
Burt Reynolds (actor)
Joan Rivers (actress)
Winona Ryder (actress)
Charles Schultz (cartoonist)
Willard Scott (weatherman)
Sam Shepard (playwright)
Sissy Spacek (actress)
Carly Simon (singer)
Tom Snyder (host)
John Steinbeck (author)
Howard Stern (king of media)
Barbra Streisand (singer)
Dave Stewart of the (singer – Eurythmics)
Nikola Tesla (inventor)Susan Powter (tv host)
Anne Tyler (author)
Ricky Williams (atlete)
Ann Wilson (singer)
Oprah Winfrey (host)
W.B. Yeats (poet)
Recovery blips
The road to recovery with any illness is never a smooth one, there will always be bumps along the way. I've had days where I've just felt so frustrated and fed up with feeling ill and I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel, especially if it follows a few 'good days'.
I am naturally a positive person but there has been days where I just couldn't do it, however I want to reassure you if you are going through this that something deep inside does kick in and even if it lasts for 2 or 3 days (even longer) you do start to come out the other side.
The important things to remember are to take baby steps, don't push yourself and learn to recognise when enough is enough. The brilliant book by Dr Tim Cantopher that I mentioned in an earlier post will talk you through this in more detail and how you can minimise these blips.
We had a very tragic loss in our family in January when my Brother-in-law's Wife (and she was a good friend of mine) sadly died after a very short illness, I was fine for a few days, being strong for my Husband but when I started to feel bad, I just went with it. I took a downtown for 2 weeks but I accepted that that was the situation and knew I'd eventually come out the other side. This is an extreme example because naturally something like this will effect everyone and in different ways too but I just wanted to highlight that no matter what the cause, when you are taking steps to recover and you have a setback, you will start moving forward again.
I often describe my recovery as 1 step forward and 2 steps back, but that is still OK, it's just slow, but I promise that if you want to, you will get there.
I am naturally a positive person but there has been days where I just couldn't do it, however I want to reassure you if you are going through this that something deep inside does kick in and even if it lasts for 2 or 3 days (even longer) you do start to come out the other side.
The important things to remember are to take baby steps, don't push yourself and learn to recognise when enough is enough. The brilliant book by Dr Tim Cantopher that I mentioned in an earlier post will talk you through this in more detail and how you can minimise these blips.
We had a very tragic loss in our family in January when my Brother-in-law's Wife (and she was a good friend of mine) sadly died after a very short illness, I was fine for a few days, being strong for my Husband but when I started to feel bad, I just went with it. I took a downtown for 2 weeks but I accepted that that was the situation and knew I'd eventually come out the other side. This is an extreme example because naturally something like this will effect everyone and in different ways too but I just wanted to highlight that no matter what the cause, when you are taking steps to recover and you have a setback, you will start moving forward again.
I often describe my recovery as 1 step forward and 2 steps back, but that is still OK, it's just slow, but I promise that if you want to, you will get there.
GAD - According to Wikipedia
Generalized anxiety disorder
Main article: Generalized anxiety disorder
Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) is a common chronic disorder characterized by long-lasting anxiety that is not focused on any one object or situation. Those suffering from generalized anxiety experience non-specific persistent fear and worry and become overly concerned with everyday matters. Generalized anxiety disorder is the most common anxiety disorder to affect older adults.[4] Anxiety can be a symptom of a medical or substance abuse problem, and medical professionals must be aware of this. A diagnosis of GAD is made when a person has been excessively worried about an everyday problem for six months or more.[5] A person may find they have problems making daily decisions and remembering commitments as a result of lack of concentration/preoccupation with worry.[6] Appearance looks strained, skin is pale with increased sweating from the hands, feet and axillae. May be tearful which can suggest depression.[7] Before a diagnosis of anxiety disorder is made, nurses and physicians must rule out drug-induced anxiety and medical causes.[8]
What is Lucy like now?
I think it goes without saying that I've had to make some huge changes to my lifestyle. It's an old cliche but you only get one life (in this form anyway!) and if I want it to be a long, healthy and happy one I've simply had to make some adjustments.
As I mentioned in an earlier post, I am doing well with my get back to work plan, I have to say that my employers have been wonderful. As well as Lois being my absolute rock, the company have bent over backwards to help and make me feel comfortable, that has been another key factor in the recovery and I am very grateful for that.
I've had to put the balloon business on hold, yes I love it, yes I am getting my creativeness back but do I want to be working that many hours and filling up my weekends with jobs that don't generate much profit? would I rather be spending time in the park my my doggy and my Husband? A big part of this particular decision has been around my feelings of failure but after analysing it with John I really haven't failed, infact in the time I was doing it it was a success, I have just made the decision to not continue with it at the level it was in favour of a more relaxed way of life, I don't think anyone can hold that against me?! Yes I do owe my in-laws some money but I'm confident I'll pay them back - hopefully sooner rather than later!
I've taken a long hard look at my friends, I've learnt who my good friends are and although it sounds ruthless, they are the ones who will get my excess energy going forward (only when I have energy to spare!). I have distanced myself from other people's emotional problems, it's meant I've had to be a bit more honest than I ever would have been before but I don't think it's a bad thing, I have a bit of a spring in my step and feel so much better about everything. I worry if I've become selfish, but I don't think I have, I'm just a bit more picky and again that is not a bad thing.
The last time I had a hectic weekend was last July and my mantra going forward is 'balance, balance, balance'.. I honestly don't think I'll ever go back down that road again, not now I've tasted how nice quiet weekends in the garden are!
The only other big change in my life has been the drinking, I really did use to enjoy some wine or a few beers but for some reason since I've been poorly I've really gone off it, I suppose the thought of hangover whilst already feeling ill every single day is just unbearable! I've had the odd glass here and there but not a drop since January, not a conscious decision, just how it is. I've also cut out caffeinated drinks and now only have decaf tea, coffee and diet coke, I read that caffeine acts like a mild amphetamine in the body and I figured that was the last thing I needed right now!
So that's the most of it. I'll be adding updates along the way so please keep checking back and please feel free to comment or share your experiences too.
Many thanks for your support and here's to a healthier, happier rest of the year.
As I mentioned in an earlier post, I am doing well with my get back to work plan, I have to say that my employers have been wonderful. As well as Lois being my absolute rock, the company have bent over backwards to help and make me feel comfortable, that has been another key factor in the recovery and I am very grateful for that.
I've had to put the balloon business on hold, yes I love it, yes I am getting my creativeness back but do I want to be working that many hours and filling up my weekends with jobs that don't generate much profit? would I rather be spending time in the park my my doggy and my Husband? A big part of this particular decision has been around my feelings of failure but after analysing it with John I really haven't failed, infact in the time I was doing it it was a success, I have just made the decision to not continue with it at the level it was in favour of a more relaxed way of life, I don't think anyone can hold that against me?! Yes I do owe my in-laws some money but I'm confident I'll pay them back - hopefully sooner rather than later!
I've taken a long hard look at my friends, I've learnt who my good friends are and although it sounds ruthless, they are the ones who will get my excess energy going forward (only when I have energy to spare!). I have distanced myself from other people's emotional problems, it's meant I've had to be a bit more honest than I ever would have been before but I don't think it's a bad thing, I have a bit of a spring in my step and feel so much better about everything. I worry if I've become selfish, but I don't think I have, I'm just a bit more picky and again that is not a bad thing.
The last time I had a hectic weekend was last July and my mantra going forward is 'balance, balance, balance'.. I honestly don't think I'll ever go back down that road again, not now I've tasted how nice quiet weekends in the garden are!
The only other big change in my life has been the drinking, I really did use to enjoy some wine or a few beers but for some reason since I've been poorly I've really gone off it, I suppose the thought of hangover whilst already feeling ill every single day is just unbearable! I've had the odd glass here and there but not a drop since January, not a conscious decision, just how it is. I've also cut out caffeinated drinks and now only have decaf tea, coffee and diet coke, I read that caffeine acts like a mild amphetamine in the body and I figured that was the last thing I needed right now!
So that's the most of it. I'll be adding updates along the way so please keep checking back and please feel free to comment or share your experiences too.
Many thanks for your support and here's to a healthier, happier rest of the year.
Pills, Meds, Drugs
As I said in the last post I was adamant that I would not go down the route of anti-depressents.
At the beginning of September I started taking a beta blocker called Propranolol to help ease the symptoms of Anxiety. I was finding that I was still shaking a lot (this was because of the excess adrenaline pumping around my body as I prepared for the 'flight or fight' mode) and finding myself becoming very clammy and sweaty which I was self conscious of in public. The Propranolol has helped to ease these symptoms and I am still taking them now.
By November I realised that despite the counselling and the numerous other things I was trying with the vitamins etc that something still wasn't quite clicking. I was still having far more bad days than good days and was only making it into the office once or twice a week and only for 1 or 2 hours at a time before I felt completely exhausted (all the nerve endings in the brain were being overstimulated leading to feelings of fatigue).
This happened to coincide with one chilly November morning when Lois sent me a text to say she had been listening to a debate on the Jeremy Vine show about depression and anxiety and that she thought I should try and get hold of it.
I found it on the iPlayer and have to say that I had tears running down my cheeks as I heard Jeremy and Dr Tim Cantopher (from The Priory) discussing this physical illness and it all just rung so true with me. Lots of people were calling in with very similar stories to mine and it was a real turning point for me. So much so that I wrote to Radio 2 and asked for a copy on CD which I now have. Lois then surprised me by getting hold of the book that Dr Cantopher wrote. It's called 'Depressive Illness - The curse of the strong' and is the most insightful book I've ever read, it has literally become my bible!
There are lots of parts in the book that mean lots to me but the chapter on medication and how it can help with the recovery was great. In the space of a view minutes it answered all my questions on anti-depressants and I finally had an understanding of how they actually work. If you want to gain an understanding yourself, you must get this book, it is very easy to understand and I'm sure it'll give you the same confidence it gave me to give the medication a try.
Dr P has since left my surgery (typical!! although not without a balloon and cupcakes in true Lucy style) but I am now in the capable hands of Dr Watson and we had a good chat about the tablets before I started them in December.
I can't lie, the first few weeks were tough and I did suffer from some side effects but I am now 3 months in and in the last month I have really noticed a dramatic improvement. My limbic system is getting back to how it should be and I'm hoping to be on the tablets for a maximum of a year but we'll see how it goes.
Do I wish I'd taken them sooner? Kind of, but I think this whole journey, however awful it has been has been a massive learning curve and if I'd have gone straight on them I don't think I'd be making the well rounded full recovery that I really think I am. It's not just been the tablets either, it's been the therapy, the course, the support of my friends and family and my own positive attitude that combined have bought the whole thing together.
At the beginning of September I started taking a beta blocker called Propranolol to help ease the symptoms of Anxiety. I was finding that I was still shaking a lot (this was because of the excess adrenaline pumping around my body as I prepared for the 'flight or fight' mode) and finding myself becoming very clammy and sweaty which I was self conscious of in public. The Propranolol has helped to ease these symptoms and I am still taking them now.
By November I realised that despite the counselling and the numerous other things I was trying with the vitamins etc that something still wasn't quite clicking. I was still having far more bad days than good days and was only making it into the office once or twice a week and only for 1 or 2 hours at a time before I felt completely exhausted (all the nerve endings in the brain were being overstimulated leading to feelings of fatigue).
This happened to coincide with one chilly November morning when Lois sent me a text to say she had been listening to a debate on the Jeremy Vine show about depression and anxiety and that she thought I should try and get hold of it.
I found it on the iPlayer and have to say that I had tears running down my cheeks as I heard Jeremy and Dr Tim Cantopher (from The Priory) discussing this physical illness and it all just rung so true with me. Lots of people were calling in with very similar stories to mine and it was a real turning point for me. So much so that I wrote to Radio 2 and asked for a copy on CD which I now have. Lois then surprised me by getting hold of the book that Dr Cantopher wrote. It's called 'Depressive Illness - The curse of the strong' and is the most insightful book I've ever read, it has literally become my bible!
There are lots of parts in the book that mean lots to me but the chapter on medication and how it can help with the recovery was great. In the space of a view minutes it answered all my questions on anti-depressants and I finally had an understanding of how they actually work. If you want to gain an understanding yourself, you must get this book, it is very easy to understand and I'm sure it'll give you the same confidence it gave me to give the medication a try.
Dr P has since left my surgery (typical!! although not without a balloon and cupcakes in true Lucy style) but I am now in the capable hands of Dr Watson and we had a good chat about the tablets before I started them in December.
I can't lie, the first few weeks were tough and I did suffer from some side effects but I am now 3 months in and in the last month I have really noticed a dramatic improvement. My limbic system is getting back to how it should be and I'm hoping to be on the tablets for a maximum of a year but we'll see how it goes.
Do I wish I'd taken them sooner? Kind of, but I think this whole journey, however awful it has been has been a massive learning curve and if I'd have gone straight on them I don't think I'd be making the well rounded full recovery that I really think I am. It's not just been the tablets either, it's been the therapy, the course, the support of my friends and family and my own positive attitude that combined have bought the whole thing together.
What happened after the diagnosis?
I was signed off work for around 2 months in the end and since September I've still not managed to get back into the office full time. I'm making excellent progress and am almost there, I'm pretty much back to my full time hours now, just splitting the time between the office and home. So Dr Parihar was totally right when he said there was no time frame.
Those first 2 weeks I was signed off I pretty much spent the time knowing that I wasn't getting any better but fixated on the mindset that I needed to be. When I had to phone work to tell them I had been signed off I was very emotional and as with the Dr I was ashamed and embarrassed.
In the 8 weeks I was signed off I went drastically downhill before I started to make any progress with recovery. The physical side of the illness really took hold and I became virtually housebound. On the occasions when I did venture to the shop or the library I started experiencing panic attacks which were frightening and led to me wanting to stay in more. Thank goodness for my close support network - especially Ash who often made me go and get in the car and would just drive me to the beach so I could sit and watch the waves and get some fresh air.
It felt like every part of me shut down, physically & emotionally. I couldn't do anything, I even found watching mindless TV or reading a magazine hard work. The creative side of my brain shut down, I had to cancel all outstanding balloon jobs, I lost all my creativeness. I didn't want to cook (another passion of mine), my eating patterns were erratic, I was sleeping 17/18 hours a day as I had such a massive amount to catch up on. I had feelings of agoraphobia, I was scared of the sky, I was scared of the big spaces outside, it took all my strength not to succumb to this and become a prisoner in my own home. I shut down all communications, the only person I spoke to for several weeks was Ash. I couldn't speak to my Mum, I could just about reply to some texts from my closest friends, I just felt like I had completely broken.
Alongside this I started to do a lot of reading on Anxiety. I didn't know anything about it and started researching and finding out the causes and how it effects different people. I went to the library and hired some books and I started finding out about treatments both medically and therapeutically.
I was seeing Dr P on a regular basis, infact it became a joke as I was there religiously every other Tuesday. I even took in an Excel spreadsheet of things that had been worrying me and what I thought had contributed to the build up, talk about a Type A personality!
A few weeks after the diagnosis there was a couple of routes I wanted to pursue. One was to look into the therapy that had been suggested at the start and the other was to make it clear that I would not take anti-depressents. Again, I had been clearly miseducated on how under-rated these drugs are and I like many others were lead to believe that they gave false highs, that they mask the problems and that they are addictive. I'd like to confirm that none of these are true and I did end up taking them but I'll come back to that later.
I started taking vitamins to try and boost my Omega 3 which is good for the brain and I took St Johns Wort (a natural anti-depressant) and Vitamin B to boost seratonin levels. I adjusted my diet to include foods which are good for anxiety including bananas, broccoli, walnuts and fish.
I was referred to 'Time to Talk' a local NHS counselling service and had some telephone sessions with the lovely Sarah. We talked about my lifestyle and my childhood and had some chats about how I've been feeling and where the GAD may have stemmed from. She offered me a place on an 'overcoming anxiety' course which was taking place over 4 consecutive Mondays and I decided to just embrace whatever was thrown at me. I am a very positive 'can do' person and if there was one thing I was sure of it was that this illness was not going to beat me.
I attended the course and met some really nice people who were also having their own struggles, it was immediately reassuring to know that I wasn't the only one going through such a tough time. To attend a course with a bunch of people who suffer with anxiety was slightly anxiety provoking in itself but it was useful and I took away some good bits of information, particularly around the CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) model.
After a couple of weeks I got a phonecall from Sarah to say that they were going to escalate me to their 'level 3' therapy which would mean a referral for some 1-2-1 sessions. I was a little shocked thinking it was a reflection on my poor performance, if anything I think it was the opposite in that I needed some more specialist help and I was willing to embrace anything if it meant helping me get well! I completed the course and left with a bit more confidence than when I started which was a good thing but I felt far from well.
I started my 1-2-1 therapy sessions with John in November and I have been seeing him on a weekly basis. We are just nearing the end of the course now and it has been an eye opening, enriching experience. My confidence has grown and I'd say I'm almost back to where I was confidence wise before I fell ill. We have been mainly working around the 'worry' model with some focus on panic too. A lot of my life is spent asking the 'what if?' questions to the point where I was often letting it take hold of me and spin out of control. I have managed to get that under MUCH better control now and my life feels so much more refreshing as a result of it. We are going to do a little more work around perfectionism and high standards and realising that these can sometimes have a detrimental rather than positive effect. IE it is much better to set your standard at around 60% and if you occasionally go beyond that then you can celebrate and be pleased rather than having the bar set at 100% and feeling a constant failure if you don't hit this (and being a person of this nature, you never feel like you've hit it even if you have!). I cannot stress how helpful these sessions have been and it was one of these sessions that introduced me to the buddhist influenced meditation practice of mindfulness which I seemed to make an instant connection with and is the reason why I am now doing the meditation course (I told you I'd tell you how I got into it!).
I'm going to talk about the medication in a separate post next.
Those first 2 weeks I was signed off I pretty much spent the time knowing that I wasn't getting any better but fixated on the mindset that I needed to be. When I had to phone work to tell them I had been signed off I was very emotional and as with the Dr I was ashamed and embarrassed.
In the 8 weeks I was signed off I went drastically downhill before I started to make any progress with recovery. The physical side of the illness really took hold and I became virtually housebound. On the occasions when I did venture to the shop or the library I started experiencing panic attacks which were frightening and led to me wanting to stay in more. Thank goodness for my close support network - especially Ash who often made me go and get in the car and would just drive me to the beach so I could sit and watch the waves and get some fresh air.
It felt like every part of me shut down, physically & emotionally. I couldn't do anything, I even found watching mindless TV or reading a magazine hard work. The creative side of my brain shut down, I had to cancel all outstanding balloon jobs, I lost all my creativeness. I didn't want to cook (another passion of mine), my eating patterns were erratic, I was sleeping 17/18 hours a day as I had such a massive amount to catch up on. I had feelings of agoraphobia, I was scared of the sky, I was scared of the big spaces outside, it took all my strength not to succumb to this and become a prisoner in my own home. I shut down all communications, the only person I spoke to for several weeks was Ash. I couldn't speak to my Mum, I could just about reply to some texts from my closest friends, I just felt like I had completely broken.
Alongside this I started to do a lot of reading on Anxiety. I didn't know anything about it and started researching and finding out the causes and how it effects different people. I went to the library and hired some books and I started finding out about treatments both medically and therapeutically.
I was seeing Dr P on a regular basis, infact it became a joke as I was there religiously every other Tuesday. I even took in an Excel spreadsheet of things that had been worrying me and what I thought had contributed to the build up, talk about a Type A personality!
A few weeks after the diagnosis there was a couple of routes I wanted to pursue. One was to look into the therapy that had been suggested at the start and the other was to make it clear that I would not take anti-depressents. Again, I had been clearly miseducated on how under-rated these drugs are and I like many others were lead to believe that they gave false highs, that they mask the problems and that they are addictive. I'd like to confirm that none of these are true and I did end up taking them but I'll come back to that later.
I started taking vitamins to try and boost my Omega 3 which is good for the brain and I took St Johns Wort (a natural anti-depressant) and Vitamin B to boost seratonin levels. I adjusted my diet to include foods which are good for anxiety including bananas, broccoli, walnuts and fish.
I was referred to 'Time to Talk' a local NHS counselling service and had some telephone sessions with the lovely Sarah. We talked about my lifestyle and my childhood and had some chats about how I've been feeling and where the GAD may have stemmed from. She offered me a place on an 'overcoming anxiety' course which was taking place over 4 consecutive Mondays and I decided to just embrace whatever was thrown at me. I am a very positive 'can do' person and if there was one thing I was sure of it was that this illness was not going to beat me.
I attended the course and met some really nice people who were also having their own struggles, it was immediately reassuring to know that I wasn't the only one going through such a tough time. To attend a course with a bunch of people who suffer with anxiety was slightly anxiety provoking in itself but it was useful and I took away some good bits of information, particularly around the CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) model.
After a couple of weeks I got a phonecall from Sarah to say that they were going to escalate me to their 'level 3' therapy which would mean a referral for some 1-2-1 sessions. I was a little shocked thinking it was a reflection on my poor performance, if anything I think it was the opposite in that I needed some more specialist help and I was willing to embrace anything if it meant helping me get well! I completed the course and left with a bit more confidence than when I started which was a good thing but I felt far from well.
I started my 1-2-1 therapy sessions with John in November and I have been seeing him on a weekly basis. We are just nearing the end of the course now and it has been an eye opening, enriching experience. My confidence has grown and I'd say I'm almost back to where I was confidence wise before I fell ill. We have been mainly working around the 'worry' model with some focus on panic too. A lot of my life is spent asking the 'what if?' questions to the point where I was often letting it take hold of me and spin out of control. I have managed to get that under MUCH better control now and my life feels so much more refreshing as a result of it. We are going to do a little more work around perfectionism and high standards and realising that these can sometimes have a detrimental rather than positive effect. IE it is much better to set your standard at around 60% and if you occasionally go beyond that then you can celebrate and be pleased rather than having the bar set at 100% and feeling a constant failure if you don't hit this (and being a person of this nature, you never feel like you've hit it even if you have!). I cannot stress how helpful these sessions have been and it was one of these sessions that introduced me to the buddhist influenced meditation practice of mindfulness which I seemed to make an instant connection with and is the reason why I am now doing the meditation course (I told you I'd tell you how I got into it!).
I'm going to talk about the medication in a separate post next.
Well Done Michael Yardy
I just wanted to add a little note about England Cricketer Michael Yardy who had made the hard decision to return home from the World Cup early after admitting to suffering with depression.
This must have been such a tough choice to make and I think it once again highlights how depression affects strong minded people who put themselves under incredible pressure to perform well. Your body can only cope with so much for so long before the circuit breaks. I hope he has the time, space and support to make a full recovery and get back to the game soon, if that's what he still wants!
As captain for Sussex too, I heard on the news this morning that cricketers at this level can spend around 300 nights a year in hotels, a very lonely time in addition to the pressure of the sport and the captaincy role too.
What nobody needs at a time like this is someone like Geoffrey Boycott throwing in his two pence worth with his inaccurate, old fashioned views. He said yesterday in the news that he never suffered with depression because he was "good enough".. OK, it doesn't affect everyone but it is only ever going to affect the people in this world who are over achievers, have unrealistic high expectations or are 'too good'.
It's people in the public eye like Yardy who help to make mental health an acceptable topic of conversation hopefully educating more people along the way.
This must have been such a tough choice to make and I think it once again highlights how depression affects strong minded people who put themselves under incredible pressure to perform well. Your body can only cope with so much for so long before the circuit breaks. I hope he has the time, space and support to make a full recovery and get back to the game soon, if that's what he still wants!
As captain for Sussex too, I heard on the news this morning that cricketers at this level can spend around 300 nights a year in hotels, a very lonely time in addition to the pressure of the sport and the captaincy role too.
What nobody needs at a time like this is someone like Geoffrey Boycott throwing in his two pence worth with his inaccurate, old fashioned views. He said yesterday in the news that he never suffered with depression because he was "good enough".. OK, it doesn't affect everyone but it is only ever going to affect the people in this world who are over achievers, have unrealistic high expectations or are 'too good'.
It's people in the public eye like Yardy who help to make mental health an acceptable topic of conversation hopefully educating more people along the way.
Ommmmmmmmm
So this Tuesday was Meditation Class Week 2! Lois couldn't make it so another lovely friend of mine, Jo, came along for the ride.
We started and finished with 2 meditations again, I had a lot more 'mind chatter' going on this week, I had 2 quite busy days at work on Mon & Tues so don't know if I naturally had more stuff on my mind but I found it very hard to focus on the tip of my nostrils without thinking of banana smoothies, my sisters upcoming baby shower and what I'd do in the event of my chair breaking mid meditation! Still, it was nice to have a bit of quiet time away from Ash and the pets (in the nicest possible way!). Our little chat this week was on 'Attention' (last week was 'Intention'). How to focus our attention and trying to concentrate on one thing at a time and how to keep our attentions on that positive mindset that we spoke about last week and how to try and combat those negative interventions.
Looking forward to the next one!
We started and finished with 2 meditations again, I had a lot more 'mind chatter' going on this week, I had 2 quite busy days at work on Mon & Tues so don't know if I naturally had more stuff on my mind but I found it very hard to focus on the tip of my nostrils without thinking of banana smoothies, my sisters upcoming baby shower and what I'd do in the event of my chair breaking mid meditation! Still, it was nice to have a bit of quiet time away from Ash and the pets (in the nicest possible way!). Our little chat this week was on 'Attention' (last week was 'Intention'). How to focus our attention and trying to concentrate on one thing at a time and how to keep our attentions on that positive mindset that we spoke about last week and how to try and combat those negative interventions.
Looking forward to the next one!
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