After 2 weeks of gradually feeling worse, I finally hit my low on Thursday. The day started off well and I had a great therapy session. When I came out I had a little bit of news which caused a rather emotional (over) reaction and I started to lose the plot at a rapid rate!
It was without doubt one of the worst days I've had in a very long time, emotionally and physically draining. I cried for 3 hours non stop and I mean proper sobbing, not this quiet sniffling nonsense! It's times like this when your support network really comes into play. I phoned Lois and completely broke-down, there's only a handful of people I'd feel comfortable seeing with mascara streaming down my cheeks and she was here in an instant. I felt overwhelmed, I couldn't gain control, I had thoughts of never getting through this, anger, frustration and a huge desire (for a few short moments) to give up trying... after all, day in, day out this is really hard work and although I manage to pull a smile out of the bag most of the time, I still have that instinct inside telling me that although the 'bad days' are getting fewer, I still get them and things are just not easy at the moment, end of.
As always, I am trying to look at this experience positively and I have always believed that when you feel that you've hot rock bottom then there is only one way to go and that is up.
Suffice to say, a cup of horlicks and an early night seemed to have the desired effect and I woke up on Friday morning feeling brighter despite feeling absolutely drained from the day before - almost like a hangover without the fun which has to be the most unfair thing ever! I got myself up, did some work and even made it into the office, the first time since Monday which was a great personal achievement.
I now have a couple of weeks off work, a few days away and a few days at home. I'm looking forward to the break although this will be the first time going on a plane since being diagnosed with GAD (hence a 30 minute flight to start me off!). I am already feeling anxious but I will make myself do it no matter what! It's a perfect opportunity to put into practice everything I have learnt about worry and panic and I am looking forward to the destination. I'll be recharging my batteries and taking some time out for me. It's amazing how much I look forward to some quiet alone time now, I couldn't stand it before! So, for now I am back on the way up. I have learnt the hard way that I cannot predict how long this will last for, so I'm going to continue to take each day as it comes and enjoy each moment as best I can. That's all I can do. Eventually this will pass and in the meantime I'm determined not to lose my smile :-)
Saturday 16 April 2011
Thursday 14 April 2011
Baby you're a Firework...
Have just woken up this morning to a wonderful email from a good friend of mine. At the end of the message she posted the words to Firework by Katy Perry, I've listened to the song so many times but not actually listened to the words! If you're also going through a tough time, you might like this :-)
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting throught the wind
Wanting to start again
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in
Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there’s still a chance for you
Cause there’s a spark in you
You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July
Cause baby you’re a firework
Come on show ‘em what your worth
Make ‘em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby you’re a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make ‘em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
You’re gunna leave ‘em fallin’ down-own-own
You don’t have to feel like a waste of space
You’re original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow
Maybe you’re reason why all the doors are closed
So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it’s time, you’ll know
You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July
Cause baby you’re a firework
Come on show ‘em what your worth
Make ‘em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby you’re a firework
Come on slet your colors burst
Make ‘em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
You’re gunna leave ‘em fallin’ down-own-own
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It’s always been inside of you, you, you
And now it’s time to let it through
Cause baby you’re a firework
Come on show ‘em what your worth
Make ‘em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby you’re a firework
Come on slet your colors burst
Make ‘em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
You’re gunna leave ‘em goin “Oh, oh, oh!”
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting throught the wind
Wanting to start again
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in
Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there’s still a chance for you
Cause there’s a spark in you
You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July
Cause baby you’re a firework
Come on show ‘em what your worth
Make ‘em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby you’re a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make ‘em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
You’re gunna leave ‘em fallin’ down-own-own
You don’t have to feel like a waste of space
You’re original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow
Maybe you’re reason why all the doors are closed
So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it’s time, you’ll know
You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July
Cause baby you’re a firework
Come on show ‘em what your worth
Make ‘em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby you’re a firework
Come on slet your colors burst
Make ‘em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
You’re gunna leave ‘em fallin’ down-own-own
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It’s always been inside of you, you, you
And now it’s time to let it through
Cause baby you’re a firework
Come on show ‘em what your worth
Make ‘em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby you’re a firework
Come on slet your colors burst
Make ‘em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
You’re gunna leave ‘em goin “Oh, oh, oh!”
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Wednesday 13 April 2011
When is enough, enough?
Another week on and I am still having what I refer to as a 'blip'. I've been on a bit of a downward spiral for the last couple of weeks and as I have another therapy session tomorrow, I thought I may as well fill you in on my week!
I had three or so great weeks recently, I felt fantastic and threw myself back into my old ways - I think this is perfectly natural, we feel 'normal' and like we can take on the world. I am a standard driven person and will always push myself hard, often to extremes and as we know that's why I ended up where I did. So a little taste of the old me led me to throw myself back into work, doing longer days than I should and I was 'hooked' again. This immediately had a detrimental effect and almost ground me to a halt. Since then I have still been working every day but in the past week have struggled to get out of the front door and those feelings of anxiety have been creeping back in. I have felt physically ill and mentally exhausted. I can't explain it and I certainly can't control it but one thing is clear, in order to manage this condition effectively I need to find some way to lower my standards (whilst still keeping them good!) and to know my boundaries.
Very high standards or perfectionism go hand in hand with stress, anxiety, fatigue and self criticism, so why would anyone want to be like this? Last year I was not only like this at work but with my social performance, my business, my work birthday buffet(!), infact, everything!
What I need to now do is ask myself a different set of questions. Are these standards working for me? What are the health risks? From my previous posts and knowing what I now know, I want a calmer life, I want a more balanced life. I am enjoying eating healthily and spending time with Ash, my doggy and my family. Over the past couple of weeks I can see that I have lost a bit of this balance and my 'rules' have started firing again, so it's time to ask, 'what is enough?' At the moment I honestly do not know, have I fallen into bad habits? Do I want constant acknowledgement for my hard efforts and if so, why?
All I know is at the moment whatever I have done or am doing is not working well for me and I need to make some more changes.. more changes on this ever interesting journey! It's a voyage of discovery and as always, I'm sure I will keep you posted with my findings!
I had three or so great weeks recently, I felt fantastic and threw myself back into my old ways - I think this is perfectly natural, we feel 'normal' and like we can take on the world. I am a standard driven person and will always push myself hard, often to extremes and as we know that's why I ended up where I did. So a little taste of the old me led me to throw myself back into work, doing longer days than I should and I was 'hooked' again. This immediately had a detrimental effect and almost ground me to a halt. Since then I have still been working every day but in the past week have struggled to get out of the front door and those feelings of anxiety have been creeping back in. I have felt physically ill and mentally exhausted. I can't explain it and I certainly can't control it but one thing is clear, in order to manage this condition effectively I need to find some way to lower my standards (whilst still keeping them good!) and to know my boundaries.
Very high standards or perfectionism go hand in hand with stress, anxiety, fatigue and self criticism, so why would anyone want to be like this? Last year I was not only like this at work but with my social performance, my business, my work birthday buffet(!), infact, everything!
What I need to now do is ask myself a different set of questions. Are these standards working for me? What are the health risks? From my previous posts and knowing what I now know, I want a calmer life, I want a more balanced life. I am enjoying eating healthily and spending time with Ash, my doggy and my family. Over the past couple of weeks I can see that I have lost a bit of this balance and my 'rules' have started firing again, so it's time to ask, 'what is enough?' At the moment I honestly do not know, have I fallen into bad habits? Do I want constant acknowledgement for my hard efforts and if so, why?
All I know is at the moment whatever I have done or am doing is not working well for me and I need to make some more changes.. more changes on this ever interesting journey! It's a voyage of discovery and as always, I'm sure I will keep you posted with my findings!
Tuesday 5 April 2011
What goes up, must come down (and go back up again!)
I'd been waiting for this little blip to pass before writing my next post, but I've been feeling off colour for a week now so I thought that it might be useful for anyone reading this who is going through the same thing to see that the road to recovery is a bumpy one, no matter how upbeat and positive you are and that is OK!
Last Tuesday I actually felt great in the morning, I went to work, came home and had been looking forward to week 3 of meditation. Over the course of the afternoon I took a downturn and started to feel poorly. I had 48 hours of what I can only describe as flu without the flu(!), I felt sick and achy, I had a sore throat and felt really run down. I had to cancel therapy on Thursday which wasn't ideal, but there was no way could I muster up any energy to leave the house. Every time I go out, even if it's to the newsagent it is a big effort and psychologically I need to be in the right frame of mind.
I had a better day on Friday but completely over did it by doing 9 hours at work (not technically my fault for once!) and although the weekend was a lovely one doing some bits of shopping and visiting our Mums on Mothers Day, it was sociable and tiring. Lois summed it up perfectly at work today, she said it's like imagining myself as a sponge soaking up water and after those few busier days I needed to have all the water squeezed out!
I woke up yesterday with a terrible migraine and suffered with nausea and low mood all day. Today wasn't too much better although I did manage to get myself up and out to the office which was a good thing. I find the office a very stimulating environment with the noise and lights and constant interaction.
Something that I have been trying at the office when I need it is plugging my iPod in. If you are struggling too then I can highly recommend it. It is against our general office policy so you may also need to seek special permission. I have only used it a couple of times when I've really felt the need but it has helped me stay at work far longer than I would have felt able to under normal circumstances.
So, I apologise that this post isn't quite as full of the joys of spring that I would have hoped but I can assure anyone with something similar that I know myself that these bumps in the road are getting fewer and are also less frequent and when I look back I can still see the massive progress that I am making and you will too.
Last Tuesday I actually felt great in the morning, I went to work, came home and had been looking forward to week 3 of meditation. Over the course of the afternoon I took a downturn and started to feel poorly. I had 48 hours of what I can only describe as flu without the flu(!), I felt sick and achy, I had a sore throat and felt really run down. I had to cancel therapy on Thursday which wasn't ideal, but there was no way could I muster up any energy to leave the house. Every time I go out, even if it's to the newsagent it is a big effort and psychologically I need to be in the right frame of mind.
I had a better day on Friday but completely over did it by doing 9 hours at work (not technically my fault for once!) and although the weekend was a lovely one doing some bits of shopping and visiting our Mums on Mothers Day, it was sociable and tiring. Lois summed it up perfectly at work today, she said it's like imagining myself as a sponge soaking up water and after those few busier days I needed to have all the water squeezed out!
I woke up yesterday with a terrible migraine and suffered with nausea and low mood all day. Today wasn't too much better although I did manage to get myself up and out to the office which was a good thing. I find the office a very stimulating environment with the noise and lights and constant interaction.
Something that I have been trying at the office when I need it is plugging my iPod in. If you are struggling too then I can highly recommend it. It is against our general office policy so you may also need to seek special permission. I have only used it a couple of times when I've really felt the need but it has helped me stay at work far longer than I would have felt able to under normal circumstances.
So, I apologise that this post isn't quite as full of the joys of spring that I would have hoped but I can assure anyone with something similar that I know myself that these bumps in the road are getting fewer and are also less frequent and when I look back I can still see the massive progress that I am making and you will too.
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