It just goes to show that when you think you are making real progress, you can get taken down every now and then. I've had a good few weeks of much better sleep & despite still suffering with VERY strange dreams (part anxiety, part medication I think!) I've been having a better quality of sleep. Last night I suddenly woke up at 3am, I felt confused and disorientated, I must have been having a bad dream but I can't remember the content. I got very tearful and felt really frightened, I asked Ash if he would mind sleeping with the bedside light on as I just thought I could hear someone outside and a light always seems to help me in these situations, of course there was no-one there but I felt really freaked out.
I calmed myself down with some breathing techniques and warm milk which is always good for these situations and I did eventually doze back off. When I thought about it this morning I had an unusually busy day yesterday, I have been avoiding busy situations through fear of having a panic attack but I promised John I would try and get myself into some more crowded places and it just so happened that we needed to go and get a bookcase from Ikea (Ikea on a Saturday, hello?!). I did it and I was very pleased but it really did push all my buttons and although I didn't have a panic attack, my adrenal glands must have been working overtime. I was very aware of everyone and everything and very hot/sweaty. I generally felt extremely uncomfortable. I had foolishly not eaten or drunk much all day and when we got in the car to come home I had a bit of a funny turn. On reflection I think this could have contributed to my bad night, I think that all the nerves in my body had been stimulated to the max and as always there were lessons to be learned. I think I was just so relieved to get through the experience (although Ash had lured me with a decaf Starbucks as a reward!).
Hopefully today's nice quiet day with an early night tonight will see me back on the right track and hey, I combatted Ikea on a Saturday so at least something positive came out of it! John will be pleased when I see him on Thursday and hey, a bad night or two in the scheme of things? No biggie. They are getting fewer and farther in between and that's good enough for me!
Sunday 27 March 2011
Useful Books
Here is a list of the books I have used that I have found really interesting/helpful (available on Amazon):
Depressive Illness, The Curse of the Strong - Dr Tim Cantopher
Mind over Mood (workbook)
Mindfulness for Dummies with Audio CD
Buddhism for Dummies
The Monk who sold his Ferrari
Books on prescription.
There are a number of books available for hire from the library on a free prescription, why not ask your GP about similar local schemes for you?
I tried 'Overcoming Anxiety' which was good, but there are lots of other books available too.
Depressive Illness, The Curse of the Strong - Dr Tim Cantopher
Mind over Mood (workbook)
Mindfulness for Dummies with Audio CD
Buddhism for Dummies
The Monk who sold his Ferrari
Books on prescription.
There are a number of books available for hire from the library on a free prescription, why not ask your GP about similar local schemes for you?
I tried 'Overcoming Anxiety' which was good, but there are lots of other books available too.
Are you a 'Type A' ?
I mentioned earlier having traits of a 'Type A' personality, but what does that mean? I found a nice clear explanation on Wikipedia:
Originally published in the 1950s, the Type A and Type B personality theory is a theory which describes two common, contrasting personality types—the high-strung Type A and the easy-going Type B—as patterns of behavior that could either raise or lower, respectively, one's chances of developing coronary heart disease.
Originally published in the 1950s, the Type A and Type B personality theory is a theory which describes two common, contrasting personality types—the high-strung Type A and the easy-going Type B—as patterns of behavior that could either raise or lower, respectively, one's chances of developing coronary heart disease.
Despite any and all the criticisms of the theory, many people continue to use the terms "Type A" and "Type B" purely to describe personalities, though some still equate the Type A personality with medical disorders like coronary heart disease.
[edit]Type A
The theory describes a Type A individual as ambitious, aggressive, business-like, controlling, highly competitive, impatient, preoccupied with his or her status, time-conscious, andtightly-wound. People with Type A personalities are often high-achieving "workaholics" who multi-task, push themselves with deadlines, and hate both delays and ambivalence.
In his 1996 book, Type A Behavior: Its Diagnosis and Treatment, Friedman suggests that Type A behavior is expressed in three major symptoms: free-floating hostility, which can be triggered by even minor incidents; time urgency and impatience, which causes irritation and exasperation; and a competitive drive, which causes stress and an achievement-driven mentality. The first of these symptoms is believed to be covert and therefore less observable, while the other two are more overt.[3]
Because of these characteristics, Type A individuals are often described as "stress junkies" by individuals with Type B or other personality types.[citation needed] Many successful business and political leaders have Type A personalities.
[edit]Type B
The theory describes Type B individuals as perfect contrast to those with Type A personalities. People with Type B personalities are generally patient, relaxed, easy-going, and at times lacking an overriding sense of urgency.
Because of these characteristics, Type B individuals are often described as apathetic and disengaged by individuals with Type A or other personality types.[citation needed]
[edit]Type AB
There is also a Type AB personality type, which is a profile for people who cannot be clearly categorized as either Type A or Type B.
What are you? why not take the Discovery Health personality test here:
http://cl1.psychtests.com/take_test.php?idRegTest=2986
Let me know what you get!
Friday 25 March 2011
We're not the only ones!
As listed on anxietysecrets.com here are a list of celebs who have spoken out about their anxiety disorder:
Isaac Asimov (author)
Kim Basinger (actress)
Roseanne Barr (comedian)
David Bowie (singer)
Charlotte Bronte (author)
Robert Burns (poet)
Barbara Bush (former First Lady - U.S.)
John Candy (comedian)
Earl Campbell (football star)
Naomi Campbell (model)
Dean Cain (actor)
Deanna Carter (singer)
Ray Charles (musician)
Eric Clapton (musician)
Dick Clark (television personality)
Cher (singer, actress)
Michael Crichton (writer)
Sheryl Crow (musician)
Johnny Depp (actor)
Tony Dow (actor director)
Jim Eisenreich (baseball)
Michael English (singer)
Edie Falco (actress)
Sally Field (actress)
Sigmund Freud (psychiatrist)
Aretha Franklin (singer)
James Garner (actor)
Barbara Gordon (filmmaker)
Shecky Greene (comedian)
Pete Harnisch (baseball star)
Anthony Hopkins (actor)
Olivia Hussey (actress)
Beverly Johnson (supermodel)
Naomi Judd (singer)
Al Kasha (songwriter)
Leila Kenzle (actress)
Nicole Kidman (actress)
Courtney Love (singer - actress)
John Madden (announcer)
Howie Mandel (comic)
Robert McFarlane (former National Security Advisor - U.S.)
John Cougar Mellancamp (musician, actor)
John Stuart Mill (philosopher)
Alanis Morisette (singer)
Edvard Munch (artist)
Sir Isaac Newton (scientist)
Lani O'Grady (actress)
Sir Laurence Olivier (actor)
Donny Osmond (actor)
Marie Osmand (entertainer)
Robin Quivers (radio host)
Bonnie Raitt (musician)
Burt Reynolds (actor)
Joan Rivers (actress)
Winona Ryder (actress)
Charles Schultz (cartoonist)
Willard Scott (weatherman)
Sam Shepard (playwright)
Sissy Spacek (actress)
Carly Simon (singer)
Tom Snyder (host)
John Steinbeck (author)
Howard Stern (king of media)
Barbra Streisand (singer)
Dave Stewart of the (singer – Eurythmics)
Nikola Tesla (inventor)Susan Powter (tv host)
Anne Tyler (author)
Ricky Williams (atlete)
Ann Wilson (singer)
Oprah Winfrey (host)
W.B. Yeats (poet)
Isaac Asimov (author)
Kim Basinger (actress)
Roseanne Barr (comedian)
David Bowie (singer)
Charlotte Bronte (author)
Robert Burns (poet)
Barbara Bush (former First Lady - U.S.)
John Candy (comedian)
Earl Campbell (football star)
Naomi Campbell (model)
Dean Cain (actor)
Deanna Carter (singer)
Ray Charles (musician)
Eric Clapton (musician)
Dick Clark (television personality)
Cher (singer, actress)
Michael Crichton (writer)
Sheryl Crow (musician)
Johnny Depp (actor)
Tony Dow (actor director)
Jim Eisenreich (baseball)
Michael English (singer)
Edie Falco (actress)
Sally Field (actress)
Sigmund Freud (psychiatrist)
Aretha Franklin (singer)
James Garner (actor)
Barbara Gordon (filmmaker)
Shecky Greene (comedian)
Pete Harnisch (baseball star)
Anthony Hopkins (actor)
Olivia Hussey (actress)
Beverly Johnson (supermodel)
Naomi Judd (singer)
Al Kasha (songwriter)
Leila Kenzle (actress)
Nicole Kidman (actress)
Courtney Love (singer - actress)
John Madden (announcer)
Howie Mandel (comic)
Robert McFarlane (former National Security Advisor - U.S.)
John Cougar Mellancamp (musician, actor)
John Stuart Mill (philosopher)
Alanis Morisette (singer)
Edvard Munch (artist)
Sir Isaac Newton (scientist)
Lani O'Grady (actress)
Sir Laurence Olivier (actor)
Donny Osmond (actor)
Marie Osmand (entertainer)
Robin Quivers (radio host)
Bonnie Raitt (musician)
Burt Reynolds (actor)
Joan Rivers (actress)
Winona Ryder (actress)
Charles Schultz (cartoonist)
Willard Scott (weatherman)
Sam Shepard (playwright)
Sissy Spacek (actress)
Carly Simon (singer)
Tom Snyder (host)
John Steinbeck (author)
Howard Stern (king of media)
Barbra Streisand (singer)
Dave Stewart of the (singer – Eurythmics)
Nikola Tesla (inventor)Susan Powter (tv host)
Anne Tyler (author)
Ricky Williams (atlete)
Ann Wilson (singer)
Oprah Winfrey (host)
W.B. Yeats (poet)
Recovery blips
The road to recovery with any illness is never a smooth one, there will always be bumps along the way. I've had days where I've just felt so frustrated and fed up with feeling ill and I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel, especially if it follows a few 'good days'.
I am naturally a positive person but there has been days where I just couldn't do it, however I want to reassure you if you are going through this that something deep inside does kick in and even if it lasts for 2 or 3 days (even longer) you do start to come out the other side.
The important things to remember are to take baby steps, don't push yourself and learn to recognise when enough is enough. The brilliant book by Dr Tim Cantopher that I mentioned in an earlier post will talk you through this in more detail and how you can minimise these blips.
We had a very tragic loss in our family in January when my Brother-in-law's Wife (and she was a good friend of mine) sadly died after a very short illness, I was fine for a few days, being strong for my Husband but when I started to feel bad, I just went with it. I took a downtown for 2 weeks but I accepted that that was the situation and knew I'd eventually come out the other side. This is an extreme example because naturally something like this will effect everyone and in different ways too but I just wanted to highlight that no matter what the cause, when you are taking steps to recover and you have a setback, you will start moving forward again.
I often describe my recovery as 1 step forward and 2 steps back, but that is still OK, it's just slow, but I promise that if you want to, you will get there.
I am naturally a positive person but there has been days where I just couldn't do it, however I want to reassure you if you are going through this that something deep inside does kick in and even if it lasts for 2 or 3 days (even longer) you do start to come out the other side.
The important things to remember are to take baby steps, don't push yourself and learn to recognise when enough is enough. The brilliant book by Dr Tim Cantopher that I mentioned in an earlier post will talk you through this in more detail and how you can minimise these blips.
We had a very tragic loss in our family in January when my Brother-in-law's Wife (and she was a good friend of mine) sadly died after a very short illness, I was fine for a few days, being strong for my Husband but when I started to feel bad, I just went with it. I took a downtown for 2 weeks but I accepted that that was the situation and knew I'd eventually come out the other side. This is an extreme example because naturally something like this will effect everyone and in different ways too but I just wanted to highlight that no matter what the cause, when you are taking steps to recover and you have a setback, you will start moving forward again.
I often describe my recovery as 1 step forward and 2 steps back, but that is still OK, it's just slow, but I promise that if you want to, you will get there.
GAD - According to Wikipedia
Generalized anxiety disorder
Main article: Generalized anxiety disorder
Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) is a common chronic disorder characterized by long-lasting anxiety that is not focused on any one object or situation. Those suffering from generalized anxiety experience non-specific persistent fear and worry and become overly concerned with everyday matters. Generalized anxiety disorder is the most common anxiety disorder to affect older adults.[4] Anxiety can be a symptom of a medical or substance abuse problem, and medical professionals must be aware of this. A diagnosis of GAD is made when a person has been excessively worried about an everyday problem for six months or more.[5] A person may find they have problems making daily decisions and remembering commitments as a result of lack of concentration/preoccupation with worry.[6] Appearance looks strained, skin is pale with increased sweating from the hands, feet and axillae. May be tearful which can suggest depression.[7] Before a diagnosis of anxiety disorder is made, nurses and physicians must rule out drug-induced anxiety and medical causes.[8]
What is Lucy like now?
I think it goes without saying that I've had to make some huge changes to my lifestyle. It's an old cliche but you only get one life (in this form anyway!) and if I want it to be a long, healthy and happy one I've simply had to make some adjustments.
As I mentioned in an earlier post, I am doing well with my get back to work plan, I have to say that my employers have been wonderful. As well as Lois being my absolute rock, the company have bent over backwards to help and make me feel comfortable, that has been another key factor in the recovery and I am very grateful for that.
I've had to put the balloon business on hold, yes I love it, yes I am getting my creativeness back but do I want to be working that many hours and filling up my weekends with jobs that don't generate much profit? would I rather be spending time in the park my my doggy and my Husband? A big part of this particular decision has been around my feelings of failure but after analysing it with John I really haven't failed, infact in the time I was doing it it was a success, I have just made the decision to not continue with it at the level it was in favour of a more relaxed way of life, I don't think anyone can hold that against me?! Yes I do owe my in-laws some money but I'm confident I'll pay them back - hopefully sooner rather than later!
I've taken a long hard look at my friends, I've learnt who my good friends are and although it sounds ruthless, they are the ones who will get my excess energy going forward (only when I have energy to spare!). I have distanced myself from other people's emotional problems, it's meant I've had to be a bit more honest than I ever would have been before but I don't think it's a bad thing, I have a bit of a spring in my step and feel so much better about everything. I worry if I've become selfish, but I don't think I have, I'm just a bit more picky and again that is not a bad thing.
The last time I had a hectic weekend was last July and my mantra going forward is 'balance, balance, balance'.. I honestly don't think I'll ever go back down that road again, not now I've tasted how nice quiet weekends in the garden are!
The only other big change in my life has been the drinking, I really did use to enjoy some wine or a few beers but for some reason since I've been poorly I've really gone off it, I suppose the thought of hangover whilst already feeling ill every single day is just unbearable! I've had the odd glass here and there but not a drop since January, not a conscious decision, just how it is. I've also cut out caffeinated drinks and now only have decaf tea, coffee and diet coke, I read that caffeine acts like a mild amphetamine in the body and I figured that was the last thing I needed right now!
So that's the most of it. I'll be adding updates along the way so please keep checking back and please feel free to comment or share your experiences too.
Many thanks for your support and here's to a healthier, happier rest of the year.
As I mentioned in an earlier post, I am doing well with my get back to work plan, I have to say that my employers have been wonderful. As well as Lois being my absolute rock, the company have bent over backwards to help and make me feel comfortable, that has been another key factor in the recovery and I am very grateful for that.
I've had to put the balloon business on hold, yes I love it, yes I am getting my creativeness back but do I want to be working that many hours and filling up my weekends with jobs that don't generate much profit? would I rather be spending time in the park my my doggy and my Husband? A big part of this particular decision has been around my feelings of failure but after analysing it with John I really haven't failed, infact in the time I was doing it it was a success, I have just made the decision to not continue with it at the level it was in favour of a more relaxed way of life, I don't think anyone can hold that against me?! Yes I do owe my in-laws some money but I'm confident I'll pay them back - hopefully sooner rather than later!
I've taken a long hard look at my friends, I've learnt who my good friends are and although it sounds ruthless, they are the ones who will get my excess energy going forward (only when I have energy to spare!). I have distanced myself from other people's emotional problems, it's meant I've had to be a bit more honest than I ever would have been before but I don't think it's a bad thing, I have a bit of a spring in my step and feel so much better about everything. I worry if I've become selfish, but I don't think I have, I'm just a bit more picky and again that is not a bad thing.
The last time I had a hectic weekend was last July and my mantra going forward is 'balance, balance, balance'.. I honestly don't think I'll ever go back down that road again, not now I've tasted how nice quiet weekends in the garden are!
The only other big change in my life has been the drinking, I really did use to enjoy some wine or a few beers but for some reason since I've been poorly I've really gone off it, I suppose the thought of hangover whilst already feeling ill every single day is just unbearable! I've had the odd glass here and there but not a drop since January, not a conscious decision, just how it is. I've also cut out caffeinated drinks and now only have decaf tea, coffee and diet coke, I read that caffeine acts like a mild amphetamine in the body and I figured that was the last thing I needed right now!
So that's the most of it. I'll be adding updates along the way so please keep checking back and please feel free to comment or share your experiences too.
Many thanks for your support and here's to a healthier, happier rest of the year.
Pills, Meds, Drugs
As I said in the last post I was adamant that I would not go down the route of anti-depressents.
At the beginning of September I started taking a beta blocker called Propranolol to help ease the symptoms of Anxiety. I was finding that I was still shaking a lot (this was because of the excess adrenaline pumping around my body as I prepared for the 'flight or fight' mode) and finding myself becoming very clammy and sweaty which I was self conscious of in public. The Propranolol has helped to ease these symptoms and I am still taking them now.
By November I realised that despite the counselling and the numerous other things I was trying with the vitamins etc that something still wasn't quite clicking. I was still having far more bad days than good days and was only making it into the office once or twice a week and only for 1 or 2 hours at a time before I felt completely exhausted (all the nerve endings in the brain were being overstimulated leading to feelings of fatigue).
This happened to coincide with one chilly November morning when Lois sent me a text to say she had been listening to a debate on the Jeremy Vine show about depression and anxiety and that she thought I should try and get hold of it.
I found it on the iPlayer and have to say that I had tears running down my cheeks as I heard Jeremy and Dr Tim Cantopher (from The Priory) discussing this physical illness and it all just rung so true with me. Lots of people were calling in with very similar stories to mine and it was a real turning point for me. So much so that I wrote to Radio 2 and asked for a copy on CD which I now have. Lois then surprised me by getting hold of the book that Dr Cantopher wrote. It's called 'Depressive Illness - The curse of the strong' and is the most insightful book I've ever read, it has literally become my bible!
There are lots of parts in the book that mean lots to me but the chapter on medication and how it can help with the recovery was great. In the space of a view minutes it answered all my questions on anti-depressants and I finally had an understanding of how they actually work. If you want to gain an understanding yourself, you must get this book, it is very easy to understand and I'm sure it'll give you the same confidence it gave me to give the medication a try.
Dr P has since left my surgery (typical!! although not without a balloon and cupcakes in true Lucy style) but I am now in the capable hands of Dr Watson and we had a good chat about the tablets before I started them in December.
I can't lie, the first few weeks were tough and I did suffer from some side effects but I am now 3 months in and in the last month I have really noticed a dramatic improvement. My limbic system is getting back to how it should be and I'm hoping to be on the tablets for a maximum of a year but we'll see how it goes.
Do I wish I'd taken them sooner? Kind of, but I think this whole journey, however awful it has been has been a massive learning curve and if I'd have gone straight on them I don't think I'd be making the well rounded full recovery that I really think I am. It's not just been the tablets either, it's been the therapy, the course, the support of my friends and family and my own positive attitude that combined have bought the whole thing together.
At the beginning of September I started taking a beta blocker called Propranolol to help ease the symptoms of Anxiety. I was finding that I was still shaking a lot (this was because of the excess adrenaline pumping around my body as I prepared for the 'flight or fight' mode) and finding myself becoming very clammy and sweaty which I was self conscious of in public. The Propranolol has helped to ease these symptoms and I am still taking them now.
By November I realised that despite the counselling and the numerous other things I was trying with the vitamins etc that something still wasn't quite clicking. I was still having far more bad days than good days and was only making it into the office once or twice a week and only for 1 or 2 hours at a time before I felt completely exhausted (all the nerve endings in the brain were being overstimulated leading to feelings of fatigue).
This happened to coincide with one chilly November morning when Lois sent me a text to say she had been listening to a debate on the Jeremy Vine show about depression and anxiety and that she thought I should try and get hold of it.
I found it on the iPlayer and have to say that I had tears running down my cheeks as I heard Jeremy and Dr Tim Cantopher (from The Priory) discussing this physical illness and it all just rung so true with me. Lots of people were calling in with very similar stories to mine and it was a real turning point for me. So much so that I wrote to Radio 2 and asked for a copy on CD which I now have. Lois then surprised me by getting hold of the book that Dr Cantopher wrote. It's called 'Depressive Illness - The curse of the strong' and is the most insightful book I've ever read, it has literally become my bible!
There are lots of parts in the book that mean lots to me but the chapter on medication and how it can help with the recovery was great. In the space of a view minutes it answered all my questions on anti-depressants and I finally had an understanding of how they actually work. If you want to gain an understanding yourself, you must get this book, it is very easy to understand and I'm sure it'll give you the same confidence it gave me to give the medication a try.
Dr P has since left my surgery (typical!! although not without a balloon and cupcakes in true Lucy style) but I am now in the capable hands of Dr Watson and we had a good chat about the tablets before I started them in December.
I can't lie, the first few weeks were tough and I did suffer from some side effects but I am now 3 months in and in the last month I have really noticed a dramatic improvement. My limbic system is getting back to how it should be and I'm hoping to be on the tablets for a maximum of a year but we'll see how it goes.
Do I wish I'd taken them sooner? Kind of, but I think this whole journey, however awful it has been has been a massive learning curve and if I'd have gone straight on them I don't think I'd be making the well rounded full recovery that I really think I am. It's not just been the tablets either, it's been the therapy, the course, the support of my friends and family and my own positive attitude that combined have bought the whole thing together.
What happened after the diagnosis?
I was signed off work for around 2 months in the end and since September I've still not managed to get back into the office full time. I'm making excellent progress and am almost there, I'm pretty much back to my full time hours now, just splitting the time between the office and home. So Dr Parihar was totally right when he said there was no time frame.
Those first 2 weeks I was signed off I pretty much spent the time knowing that I wasn't getting any better but fixated on the mindset that I needed to be. When I had to phone work to tell them I had been signed off I was very emotional and as with the Dr I was ashamed and embarrassed.
In the 8 weeks I was signed off I went drastically downhill before I started to make any progress with recovery. The physical side of the illness really took hold and I became virtually housebound. On the occasions when I did venture to the shop or the library I started experiencing panic attacks which were frightening and led to me wanting to stay in more. Thank goodness for my close support network - especially Ash who often made me go and get in the car and would just drive me to the beach so I could sit and watch the waves and get some fresh air.
It felt like every part of me shut down, physically & emotionally. I couldn't do anything, I even found watching mindless TV or reading a magazine hard work. The creative side of my brain shut down, I had to cancel all outstanding balloon jobs, I lost all my creativeness. I didn't want to cook (another passion of mine), my eating patterns were erratic, I was sleeping 17/18 hours a day as I had such a massive amount to catch up on. I had feelings of agoraphobia, I was scared of the sky, I was scared of the big spaces outside, it took all my strength not to succumb to this and become a prisoner in my own home. I shut down all communications, the only person I spoke to for several weeks was Ash. I couldn't speak to my Mum, I could just about reply to some texts from my closest friends, I just felt like I had completely broken.
Alongside this I started to do a lot of reading on Anxiety. I didn't know anything about it and started researching and finding out the causes and how it effects different people. I went to the library and hired some books and I started finding out about treatments both medically and therapeutically.
I was seeing Dr P on a regular basis, infact it became a joke as I was there religiously every other Tuesday. I even took in an Excel spreadsheet of things that had been worrying me and what I thought had contributed to the build up, talk about a Type A personality!
A few weeks after the diagnosis there was a couple of routes I wanted to pursue. One was to look into the therapy that had been suggested at the start and the other was to make it clear that I would not take anti-depressents. Again, I had been clearly miseducated on how under-rated these drugs are and I like many others were lead to believe that they gave false highs, that they mask the problems and that they are addictive. I'd like to confirm that none of these are true and I did end up taking them but I'll come back to that later.
I started taking vitamins to try and boost my Omega 3 which is good for the brain and I took St Johns Wort (a natural anti-depressant) and Vitamin B to boost seratonin levels. I adjusted my diet to include foods which are good for anxiety including bananas, broccoli, walnuts and fish.
I was referred to 'Time to Talk' a local NHS counselling service and had some telephone sessions with the lovely Sarah. We talked about my lifestyle and my childhood and had some chats about how I've been feeling and where the GAD may have stemmed from. She offered me a place on an 'overcoming anxiety' course which was taking place over 4 consecutive Mondays and I decided to just embrace whatever was thrown at me. I am a very positive 'can do' person and if there was one thing I was sure of it was that this illness was not going to beat me.
I attended the course and met some really nice people who were also having their own struggles, it was immediately reassuring to know that I wasn't the only one going through such a tough time. To attend a course with a bunch of people who suffer with anxiety was slightly anxiety provoking in itself but it was useful and I took away some good bits of information, particularly around the CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) model.
After a couple of weeks I got a phonecall from Sarah to say that they were going to escalate me to their 'level 3' therapy which would mean a referral for some 1-2-1 sessions. I was a little shocked thinking it was a reflection on my poor performance, if anything I think it was the opposite in that I needed some more specialist help and I was willing to embrace anything if it meant helping me get well! I completed the course and left with a bit more confidence than when I started which was a good thing but I felt far from well.
I started my 1-2-1 therapy sessions with John in November and I have been seeing him on a weekly basis. We are just nearing the end of the course now and it has been an eye opening, enriching experience. My confidence has grown and I'd say I'm almost back to where I was confidence wise before I fell ill. We have been mainly working around the 'worry' model with some focus on panic too. A lot of my life is spent asking the 'what if?' questions to the point where I was often letting it take hold of me and spin out of control. I have managed to get that under MUCH better control now and my life feels so much more refreshing as a result of it. We are going to do a little more work around perfectionism and high standards and realising that these can sometimes have a detrimental rather than positive effect. IE it is much better to set your standard at around 60% and if you occasionally go beyond that then you can celebrate and be pleased rather than having the bar set at 100% and feeling a constant failure if you don't hit this (and being a person of this nature, you never feel like you've hit it even if you have!). I cannot stress how helpful these sessions have been and it was one of these sessions that introduced me to the buddhist influenced meditation practice of mindfulness which I seemed to make an instant connection with and is the reason why I am now doing the meditation course (I told you I'd tell you how I got into it!).
I'm going to talk about the medication in a separate post next.
Those first 2 weeks I was signed off I pretty much spent the time knowing that I wasn't getting any better but fixated on the mindset that I needed to be. When I had to phone work to tell them I had been signed off I was very emotional and as with the Dr I was ashamed and embarrassed.
In the 8 weeks I was signed off I went drastically downhill before I started to make any progress with recovery. The physical side of the illness really took hold and I became virtually housebound. On the occasions when I did venture to the shop or the library I started experiencing panic attacks which were frightening and led to me wanting to stay in more. Thank goodness for my close support network - especially Ash who often made me go and get in the car and would just drive me to the beach so I could sit and watch the waves and get some fresh air.
It felt like every part of me shut down, physically & emotionally. I couldn't do anything, I even found watching mindless TV or reading a magazine hard work. The creative side of my brain shut down, I had to cancel all outstanding balloon jobs, I lost all my creativeness. I didn't want to cook (another passion of mine), my eating patterns were erratic, I was sleeping 17/18 hours a day as I had such a massive amount to catch up on. I had feelings of agoraphobia, I was scared of the sky, I was scared of the big spaces outside, it took all my strength not to succumb to this and become a prisoner in my own home. I shut down all communications, the only person I spoke to for several weeks was Ash. I couldn't speak to my Mum, I could just about reply to some texts from my closest friends, I just felt like I had completely broken.
Alongside this I started to do a lot of reading on Anxiety. I didn't know anything about it and started researching and finding out the causes and how it effects different people. I went to the library and hired some books and I started finding out about treatments both medically and therapeutically.
I was seeing Dr P on a regular basis, infact it became a joke as I was there religiously every other Tuesday. I even took in an Excel spreadsheet of things that had been worrying me and what I thought had contributed to the build up, talk about a Type A personality!
A few weeks after the diagnosis there was a couple of routes I wanted to pursue. One was to look into the therapy that had been suggested at the start and the other was to make it clear that I would not take anti-depressents. Again, I had been clearly miseducated on how under-rated these drugs are and I like many others were lead to believe that they gave false highs, that they mask the problems and that they are addictive. I'd like to confirm that none of these are true and I did end up taking them but I'll come back to that later.
I started taking vitamins to try and boost my Omega 3 which is good for the brain and I took St Johns Wort (a natural anti-depressant) and Vitamin B to boost seratonin levels. I adjusted my diet to include foods which are good for anxiety including bananas, broccoli, walnuts and fish.
I was referred to 'Time to Talk' a local NHS counselling service and had some telephone sessions with the lovely Sarah. We talked about my lifestyle and my childhood and had some chats about how I've been feeling and where the GAD may have stemmed from. She offered me a place on an 'overcoming anxiety' course which was taking place over 4 consecutive Mondays and I decided to just embrace whatever was thrown at me. I am a very positive 'can do' person and if there was one thing I was sure of it was that this illness was not going to beat me.
I attended the course and met some really nice people who were also having their own struggles, it was immediately reassuring to know that I wasn't the only one going through such a tough time. To attend a course with a bunch of people who suffer with anxiety was slightly anxiety provoking in itself but it was useful and I took away some good bits of information, particularly around the CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) model.
After a couple of weeks I got a phonecall from Sarah to say that they were going to escalate me to their 'level 3' therapy which would mean a referral for some 1-2-1 sessions. I was a little shocked thinking it was a reflection on my poor performance, if anything I think it was the opposite in that I needed some more specialist help and I was willing to embrace anything if it meant helping me get well! I completed the course and left with a bit more confidence than when I started which was a good thing but I felt far from well.
I started my 1-2-1 therapy sessions with John in November and I have been seeing him on a weekly basis. We are just nearing the end of the course now and it has been an eye opening, enriching experience. My confidence has grown and I'd say I'm almost back to where I was confidence wise before I fell ill. We have been mainly working around the 'worry' model with some focus on panic too. A lot of my life is spent asking the 'what if?' questions to the point where I was often letting it take hold of me and spin out of control. I have managed to get that under MUCH better control now and my life feels so much more refreshing as a result of it. We are going to do a little more work around perfectionism and high standards and realising that these can sometimes have a detrimental rather than positive effect. IE it is much better to set your standard at around 60% and if you occasionally go beyond that then you can celebrate and be pleased rather than having the bar set at 100% and feeling a constant failure if you don't hit this (and being a person of this nature, you never feel like you've hit it even if you have!). I cannot stress how helpful these sessions have been and it was one of these sessions that introduced me to the buddhist influenced meditation practice of mindfulness which I seemed to make an instant connection with and is the reason why I am now doing the meditation course (I told you I'd tell you how I got into it!).
I'm going to talk about the medication in a separate post next.
Well Done Michael Yardy
I just wanted to add a little note about England Cricketer Michael Yardy who had made the hard decision to return home from the World Cup early after admitting to suffering with depression.
This must have been such a tough choice to make and I think it once again highlights how depression affects strong minded people who put themselves under incredible pressure to perform well. Your body can only cope with so much for so long before the circuit breaks. I hope he has the time, space and support to make a full recovery and get back to the game soon, if that's what he still wants!
As captain for Sussex too, I heard on the news this morning that cricketers at this level can spend around 300 nights a year in hotels, a very lonely time in addition to the pressure of the sport and the captaincy role too.
What nobody needs at a time like this is someone like Geoffrey Boycott throwing in his two pence worth with his inaccurate, old fashioned views. He said yesterday in the news that he never suffered with depression because he was "good enough".. OK, it doesn't affect everyone but it is only ever going to affect the people in this world who are over achievers, have unrealistic high expectations or are 'too good'.
It's people in the public eye like Yardy who help to make mental health an acceptable topic of conversation hopefully educating more people along the way.
This must have been such a tough choice to make and I think it once again highlights how depression affects strong minded people who put themselves under incredible pressure to perform well. Your body can only cope with so much for so long before the circuit breaks. I hope he has the time, space and support to make a full recovery and get back to the game soon, if that's what he still wants!
As captain for Sussex too, I heard on the news this morning that cricketers at this level can spend around 300 nights a year in hotels, a very lonely time in addition to the pressure of the sport and the captaincy role too.
What nobody needs at a time like this is someone like Geoffrey Boycott throwing in his two pence worth with his inaccurate, old fashioned views. He said yesterday in the news that he never suffered with depression because he was "good enough".. OK, it doesn't affect everyone but it is only ever going to affect the people in this world who are over achievers, have unrealistic high expectations or are 'too good'.
It's people in the public eye like Yardy who help to make mental health an acceptable topic of conversation hopefully educating more people along the way.
Ommmmmmmmm
So this Tuesday was Meditation Class Week 2! Lois couldn't make it so another lovely friend of mine, Jo, came along for the ride.
We started and finished with 2 meditations again, I had a lot more 'mind chatter' going on this week, I had 2 quite busy days at work on Mon & Tues so don't know if I naturally had more stuff on my mind but I found it very hard to focus on the tip of my nostrils without thinking of banana smoothies, my sisters upcoming baby shower and what I'd do in the event of my chair breaking mid meditation! Still, it was nice to have a bit of quiet time away from Ash and the pets (in the nicest possible way!). Our little chat this week was on 'Attention' (last week was 'Intention'). How to focus our attention and trying to concentrate on one thing at a time and how to keep our attentions on that positive mindset that we spoke about last week and how to try and combat those negative interventions.
Looking forward to the next one!
We started and finished with 2 meditations again, I had a lot more 'mind chatter' going on this week, I had 2 quite busy days at work on Mon & Tues so don't know if I naturally had more stuff on my mind but I found it very hard to focus on the tip of my nostrils without thinking of banana smoothies, my sisters upcoming baby shower and what I'd do in the event of my chair breaking mid meditation! Still, it was nice to have a bit of quiet time away from Ash and the pets (in the nicest possible way!). Our little chat this week was on 'Attention' (last week was 'Intention'). How to focus our attention and trying to concentrate on one thing at a time and how to keep our attentions on that positive mindset that we spoke about last week and how to try and combat those negative interventions.
Looking forward to the next one!
Diagnosis
I took the rest of the week off as sick, and could hardly move out of bed. I had a huge number of physical symptoms that kept developing. They included nausea to the point of not daring to move, an upset tummy, shaking all over, dehydration, the need to constantly pass urine, blanching, nightmares, migraine, sweats and fevers and a number more that I could spend all day listing.
3 days in and I had convinced myself that I had Diabetes. We have a history of Type 2 in the family and the drinking / wee-ing combination was forefront in my mind. I reluctantly made a Drs appointment for the Thurs. I didn't have a regular GP at my surgery so tended to avoid the place unless it was urgent! I met Dr Parihar and talked him through my symptoms, he checked my blood sugars and pressure. Sugars were normal and BP was a little high but nothing to worry about given the circumstances. He ordered a full set of blood tests and I went back to see him the following Tuesday. The key thing for me was that I was going to be diagnosed with something physical, because I was physically ill, right?
I saw Dr Parihar again and my blood tests had come back clear with no abnormalities. Great news. But then why did I feel so awful? I was very tearful and he was incredibly empathetic. He asked some questions about my lifestyle and after what you have already read, it didn't take him long to diagnose GAD - Generalised Anxiety Disorder. He signed me off for 2 weeks and told me that I needed to rest and recharge. What did I enjoy doing? What didn't I make time for? I should take some time to reconnect with these things and give my body a complete wind down. I went into complete shock and couldn't understand why I was being diagnosed with a mental illness.. I was physically sick? Dr P explained that because I had ignored the warning signs for such a long time, the illness had manifested into a large number of physical symptoms, making myself take notice. He briefly mentioned that there would be no time frame on recovery - this was a BIG issue for me as I am the sort of person who likes to know when things are happening and the unknown made me feel very uncomfortable.. and also said the words 'psychiatric nurse' which horrified me and went on to talk about more specialised help such as counselling or therapy. I will hold my hands up and say that I was embarrassed. In my mind at the time, people with mental illness surely had to be mad or in the least, weak or messed up. I wasn't any of these, why was this happening to me?!
I left with an appointment to return in 2 weeks and I had absolute intentions to be fully recovered in that time. How wrong I was!
3 days in and I had convinced myself that I had Diabetes. We have a history of Type 2 in the family and the drinking / wee-ing combination was forefront in my mind. I reluctantly made a Drs appointment for the Thurs. I didn't have a regular GP at my surgery so tended to avoid the place unless it was urgent! I met Dr Parihar and talked him through my symptoms, he checked my blood sugars and pressure. Sugars were normal and BP was a little high but nothing to worry about given the circumstances. He ordered a full set of blood tests and I went back to see him the following Tuesday. The key thing for me was that I was going to be diagnosed with something physical, because I was physically ill, right?
I saw Dr Parihar again and my blood tests had come back clear with no abnormalities. Great news. But then why did I feel so awful? I was very tearful and he was incredibly empathetic. He asked some questions about my lifestyle and after what you have already read, it didn't take him long to diagnose GAD - Generalised Anxiety Disorder. He signed me off for 2 weeks and told me that I needed to rest and recharge. What did I enjoy doing? What didn't I make time for? I should take some time to reconnect with these things and give my body a complete wind down. I went into complete shock and couldn't understand why I was being diagnosed with a mental illness.. I was physically sick? Dr P explained that because I had ignored the warning signs for such a long time, the illness had manifested into a large number of physical symptoms, making myself take notice. He briefly mentioned that there would be no time frame on recovery - this was a BIG issue for me as I am the sort of person who likes to know when things are happening and the unknown made me feel very uncomfortable.. and also said the words 'psychiatric nurse' which horrified me and went on to talk about more specialised help such as counselling or therapy. I will hold my hands up and say that I was embarrassed. In my mind at the time, people with mental illness surely had to be mad or in the least, weak or messed up. I wasn't any of these, why was this happening to me?!
I left with an appointment to return in 2 weeks and I had absolute intentions to be fully recovered in that time. How wrong I was!
The Big Bang
My pace of life was incredibly fast before, I was lucky enough to have a very big social circle but that required constant maintenance in order to keep in touch and on top of everyones lives; get-togethers, phone-calls, texts, emails, and keeping up with friends further afield via good old Facebook & Twitter. Ash and I rarely had a weekend day to ourselves and I'd often come into work on a Monday morning for a rest! Our weekends would be booked up weeks in advance, seeing up to 7 or 8 different friends/family members over the course of 1 weekend.
Amidst this, I was planning my 30th Birthday Wild West Bonanza, which was without doubt going to be completely over the top. It was the ideal opportunity to finally reaffirm our wedding vows in front of all the friends and family who never saw us do it the first time round which was super, just adding a teeny bit more pressure to the day! The event was 2 years in the planning and it was a brilliant day, we had 200 guests, hired a huge barn, had a line dancing teacher, a DJ, more magic touches than you could shake a stick plus an onsite campsite for people to stay over too. As always I took this in my stride and whilst in the planning stage of the party back in Sep 2009 I decided that rather than pay someone to decorate my venue, I'd enrol onto a balloon art course, as you do!
I really enjoyed the course and saw a small business opportunity arise so decided to launch myself as an independent party decorator - I received a generous start up loan from my parents-in-law without which I'd never have been able to give it a go and for 9/10 months before I fell ill, it was doing very well. The reason for telling you about this is to help build up the picture of my lifestyle; full time job, part time business (the 2 combined was equalling 80-100 hours work a week), hectic social life & event planning my own party. The other big factor was my ability to take on a lot of emotional stress and upset from friends and family. I was the go to person for a number of people which I took as nothing but a compliment. Over time I found that I was taking on a heck of a lot of emotional distress and was constantly involved with other peoples business trying to help or intervene. I can now see that these people would often leave my house or hang up the phone feeling happy and relieved but I'd be left worrying about their situation and wondering what I could do to help. Don't get me wrong, I was very happy to do this, I felt like I was being a great friend, I just couldn't see the detrimental affect it was having on my health.
I've suffered with migraines for quite a few years and after several visits to the GP I concluded that this was something I'd just have to learn to live with. They were incredibly debilitating and often leave me in bed for days at a time. One of my best friends, Trilby, has seen me with a few over the years and has told me that I look like I've had a stroke when I have one coming on. I've had to drive home from her house on more than one occasion after feeling the triggers over dinner and have had to pull the car over to be sick or be left wondering the next day how I got home without being able to recollect the drive, rather worrying to say the least!
2 other notable bouts of illness over the past few years included a couple of weeks in May 2007 where I thought I'd contracted Hepatitis A but the blood tests came back inconclusive & in December 2009 when I thought I had stomach flu. I ended up in hospital with excruciating stomach pains but the Dr dismissed it as a virus. Looking back I can now see that both of these displayed classic symptoms of anxiety and were another warning sign for me to slow down.
Foolishly or naively I didn't, and the situation carried on spiralling. We had the big birthday bash in June 2010 and I had booked a couple of days off work to recover afterwards - I was anticipating a huge hangover! I had bought the puppy for my Husband and was due to pick her up that same weekend so thought a couple of days at home to 'relax' and get her settled would be good. I remember that I was due back to work on the Wednesday and I had to phone my boss, Lois, and ask if I could take some extra time off, I put it down to tiredness but looking back, that was the beginning of the end! Something just wasn't clicking. The next couple of weeks passed in a bit of a blur, lack of sleep from the new dog, tiredness from the party and what was essentially the culmination of a good couple of years build up of anxiety just waiting to burst through.
The first weekend of July was a hectic one, I had a big balloon job for a wedding on the Saturday which involved an early start and 9 hours work (I had already spent 3 evenings prepping for it that week), the venue was outdoors so I had battles with the weather on the day which saw my stress levels escalate. Anyone who knows me will also know that I struggle with my weight (I just love food far too much!) and I remember a child at the venue asking me if I had a baby in my tummy.. a tiny comment but on that day, in that state I could literally feel the cracks starting to appear all over me. That same evening we were hosting a BBQ for some friends and the following day as well as travelling 30 miles back to the venue to clear up, we were hosting a family BBQ. On Monday 5th July 2010, a date that will stick in my mind forever, I was up early to decorate a balloon for a girl at work and while I was doing it I could feel my hands shaking uncontrollably. I was attending a funeral that afternoon, so I put it down to feeling 'anxious' (ironically enough) but I guess this was when I started to think that things weren't quite right. By the time we left the office to go to the funeral I was feeling very sick and had a headache, again, you'd assume it was because of the difficult afternoon ahead. It was a very sad funeral and I found it to be a huge emotional release, in retrospect I think it was just what my body needed in order for me to be able to finally let go. I remember travelling home feeling absolutely drained and exhausted beyond anything I had felt before.
I took myself off to bed early that evening thinking it would all be OK the next day, when I woke up on the Tuesday I went into the back garden where Ash was playing with Poppy (the puppy) and I just looked at him and said 'I can't go to work today, something's wrong'. Simple as that. I am not the sort of person to do that and I'd always feel very guilty about calling in sick. However on this occasion I just knew that enough was enough and something was about to give.
Amidst this, I was planning my 30th Birthday Wild West Bonanza, which was without doubt going to be completely over the top. It was the ideal opportunity to finally reaffirm our wedding vows in front of all the friends and family who never saw us do it the first time round which was super, just adding a teeny bit more pressure to the day! The event was 2 years in the planning and it was a brilliant day, we had 200 guests, hired a huge barn, had a line dancing teacher, a DJ, more magic touches than you could shake a stick plus an onsite campsite for people to stay over too. As always I took this in my stride and whilst in the planning stage of the party back in Sep 2009 I decided that rather than pay someone to decorate my venue, I'd enrol onto a balloon art course, as you do!
I really enjoyed the course and saw a small business opportunity arise so decided to launch myself as an independent party decorator - I received a generous start up loan from my parents-in-law without which I'd never have been able to give it a go and for 9/10 months before I fell ill, it was doing very well. The reason for telling you about this is to help build up the picture of my lifestyle; full time job, part time business (the 2 combined was equalling 80-100 hours work a week), hectic social life & event planning my own party. The other big factor was my ability to take on a lot of emotional stress and upset from friends and family. I was the go to person for a number of people which I took as nothing but a compliment. Over time I found that I was taking on a heck of a lot of emotional distress and was constantly involved with other peoples business trying to help or intervene. I can now see that these people would often leave my house or hang up the phone feeling happy and relieved but I'd be left worrying about their situation and wondering what I could do to help. Don't get me wrong, I was very happy to do this, I felt like I was being a great friend, I just couldn't see the detrimental affect it was having on my health.
I've suffered with migraines for quite a few years and after several visits to the GP I concluded that this was something I'd just have to learn to live with. They were incredibly debilitating and often leave me in bed for days at a time. One of my best friends, Trilby, has seen me with a few over the years and has told me that I look like I've had a stroke when I have one coming on. I've had to drive home from her house on more than one occasion after feeling the triggers over dinner and have had to pull the car over to be sick or be left wondering the next day how I got home without being able to recollect the drive, rather worrying to say the least!
2 other notable bouts of illness over the past few years included a couple of weeks in May 2007 where I thought I'd contracted Hepatitis A but the blood tests came back inconclusive & in December 2009 when I thought I had stomach flu. I ended up in hospital with excruciating stomach pains but the Dr dismissed it as a virus. Looking back I can now see that both of these displayed classic symptoms of anxiety and were another warning sign for me to slow down.
Foolishly or naively I didn't, and the situation carried on spiralling. We had the big birthday bash in June 2010 and I had booked a couple of days off work to recover afterwards - I was anticipating a huge hangover! I had bought the puppy for my Husband and was due to pick her up that same weekend so thought a couple of days at home to 'relax' and get her settled would be good. I remember that I was due back to work on the Wednesday and I had to phone my boss, Lois, and ask if I could take some extra time off, I put it down to tiredness but looking back, that was the beginning of the end! Something just wasn't clicking. The next couple of weeks passed in a bit of a blur, lack of sleep from the new dog, tiredness from the party and what was essentially the culmination of a good couple of years build up of anxiety just waiting to burst through.
The first weekend of July was a hectic one, I had a big balloon job for a wedding on the Saturday which involved an early start and 9 hours work (I had already spent 3 evenings prepping for it that week), the venue was outdoors so I had battles with the weather on the day which saw my stress levels escalate. Anyone who knows me will also know that I struggle with my weight (I just love food far too much!) and I remember a child at the venue asking me if I had a baby in my tummy.. a tiny comment but on that day, in that state I could literally feel the cracks starting to appear all over me. That same evening we were hosting a BBQ for some friends and the following day as well as travelling 30 miles back to the venue to clear up, we were hosting a family BBQ. On Monday 5th July 2010, a date that will stick in my mind forever, I was up early to decorate a balloon for a girl at work and while I was doing it I could feel my hands shaking uncontrollably. I was attending a funeral that afternoon, so I put it down to feeling 'anxious' (ironically enough) but I guess this was when I started to think that things weren't quite right. By the time we left the office to go to the funeral I was feeling very sick and had a headache, again, you'd assume it was because of the difficult afternoon ahead. It was a very sad funeral and I found it to be a huge emotional release, in retrospect I think it was just what my body needed in order for me to be able to finally let go. I remember travelling home feeling absolutely drained and exhausted beyond anything I had felt before.
I took myself off to bed early that evening thinking it would all be OK the next day, when I woke up on the Tuesday I went into the back garden where Ash was playing with Poppy (the puppy) and I just looked at him and said 'I can't go to work today, something's wrong'. Simple as that. I am not the sort of person to do that and I'd always feel very guilty about calling in sick. However on this occasion I just knew that enough was enough and something was about to give.
Tuesday 15 March 2011
A sense of inner calm
I just needed to write a quick post before I lose my feeling of inner calm that I have just achieved at my first meditation class!
Lois and I really didn't know what to accept and were greeted by a man who called himself Helen and then proceeded to almost break his chair, so our best efforts of trying to be serious went out the window from the get go as we burst into laughter. We had a couple of minor interuptions including a mobile phone ringing and a customer service announcement through the loudspeaker but I have to say it was really interesting!
The 5 week course is run by the Brighton Buddhist Centre by a lovely lady called Kate. We did 2 lots of meditation with a focus on breathing and listened to a talk on 'intention' - there's a different topic every week. There was an emphasis on cultivating a positive mindset with a hope that one day, all negative thoughts would be eradicated. Sounds blissful but considering I beeped my horn and swore at someone on the drive home from the class I fear this may take a while.
Discussing it with Lois afterwards, I do consider myself a positive person, I honestly don't think I'd be where I am today if I wasn't but I think the most important aspect of the class for me is that focus on the meditation, I love the idea of it, it sounds so calming and 'zen' like, I used to get off on living life at a pace of 1000mph but now I'm all into a slower, relaxed pace but when trying to practice relaxation or meditation my mind tends to wander. I know this is OK as part of the practice is to be at one with these thoughts and accept them but I would love to somehow train my brain to be more willing to partake in these exercises.
I'll keep you posted on my progress and as I said earlier I will eventually get back round to telling you how I stumbled upon these classes in the first place!
Lois and I really didn't know what to accept and were greeted by a man who called himself Helen and then proceeded to almost break his chair, so our best efforts of trying to be serious went out the window from the get go as we burst into laughter. We had a couple of minor interuptions including a mobile phone ringing and a customer service announcement through the loudspeaker but I have to say it was really interesting!
The 5 week course is run by the Brighton Buddhist Centre by a lovely lady called Kate. We did 2 lots of meditation with a focus on breathing and listened to a talk on 'intention' - there's a different topic every week. There was an emphasis on cultivating a positive mindset with a hope that one day, all negative thoughts would be eradicated. Sounds blissful but considering I beeped my horn and swore at someone on the drive home from the class I fear this may take a while.
Discussing it with Lois afterwards, I do consider myself a positive person, I honestly don't think I'd be where I am today if I wasn't but I think the most important aspect of the class for me is that focus on the meditation, I love the idea of it, it sounds so calming and 'zen' like, I used to get off on living life at a pace of 1000mph but now I'm all into a slower, relaxed pace but when trying to practice relaxation or meditation my mind tends to wander. I know this is OK as part of the practice is to be at one with these thoughts and accept them but I would love to somehow train my brain to be more willing to partake in these exercises.
I'll keep you posted on my progress and as I said earlier I will eventually get back round to telling you how I stumbled upon these classes in the first place!
So, who is Lucy?
That's a good question I've asked myself!
I think if you ask any of my good friends they'll tell you that I am bubbly, kind, caring and outgoing. A year ago a good dose of 'wild' would have been thrown into the mix too. On the outset apart from the partying and drinking I'd like to think that all of these qualities still apply but over the course of the last 9 months I have been forced to dig a little deeper and can now also tell you that through some extensive soul searching I am a bit of a perfectionist, I have ridiculously high standards when it comes to pretty much everything I do and whilst I am outgoing on the outside it turns out that as a result of the breakdown, I'm fairly insecure on the inside.
So, a brief overview of my life so far (I'll talk more about how this culminated in the illness separately). My name is Lucy, I am 30 years old, I live in West Sussex with my wonderfully supportive Husband Ash, my 3 cats Pickle, Lilly & Jazzie and my 11 month old puppy, Poppy the labrador cross curly coat retriever. We are all living in a 1 bedroom flat (luckily we have a big garden!) and live just 10 minutes away from work. I work for a major UK airline as a Picture Desk Executive, sourcing images for our website which I absolutely love.
I have always worked in travel, I joined the industry in 1999 as a reservations agent where I worked for 4 years, I had the time of my life and made some life long friends, most of whom form my social circle today. I had a boyfriend from the age of 17 - 21, very dramatic as most young loves are but the relationship also taught me so much including appreciating those who genuinely make you happy. After a very turbulent 4 years, we finally split and I branched out on my own for the first time. I moved in with a colleague from work who had a room to rent and who in turn introduced me to Ash. We hung out as friends for a couple of months but after one drunken night in Key West, Florida I phoned Ash and told him I was taking him out on a date! He did resist, but I got my way and after one long lazy lunch on a Saturday afternoon in May 2002, I knew I'd found my soul mate. 8 months later we were married by Elvis in Las Vegas and nearly 9 years on I have to say I'm just as happy, if not more so!
When we got married we both quit our jobs and moved overseas, we spent 6 months in Spain with Ash's parents who had retired and we then headed down to Australia where we spent the best part of a year in Perth. Upon coming home in late 2004 we finally settled, bought our flat and found our feet in our current jobs which have enabled us to continue travelling in our free time. Getting the dog last summer has to be the last step on the commitment ladder before the patter of baby feet come along, that one I am still not 100% decided on!
So, things were ticking along nicely, yes life was a rollercoaster and although Ash and I have an incredibly tight relationship, there have been a number of outside factors that have caused huge amounts of drama, stress and upset. In hindsight my illness built up over a good 18-24 months (and I ignored all the warning signs), but I felt my world came crashing down around me one day last July. What has happened since then is a huge change in my attitude, my outlook on life and my desire to share my experiences, thank you for taking the time to read this and please feel free to share it with anyone you think may benefit from reading my story.
I think if you ask any of my good friends they'll tell you that I am bubbly, kind, caring and outgoing. A year ago a good dose of 'wild' would have been thrown into the mix too. On the outset apart from the partying and drinking I'd like to think that all of these qualities still apply but over the course of the last 9 months I have been forced to dig a little deeper and can now also tell you that through some extensive soul searching I am a bit of a perfectionist, I have ridiculously high standards when it comes to pretty much everything I do and whilst I am outgoing on the outside it turns out that as a result of the breakdown, I'm fairly insecure on the inside.
So, a brief overview of my life so far (I'll talk more about how this culminated in the illness separately). My name is Lucy, I am 30 years old, I live in West Sussex with my wonderfully supportive Husband Ash, my 3 cats Pickle, Lilly & Jazzie and my 11 month old puppy, Poppy the labrador cross curly coat retriever. We are all living in a 1 bedroom flat (luckily we have a big garden!) and live just 10 minutes away from work. I work for a major UK airline as a Picture Desk Executive, sourcing images for our website which I absolutely love.
I have always worked in travel, I joined the industry in 1999 as a reservations agent where I worked for 4 years, I had the time of my life and made some life long friends, most of whom form my social circle today. I had a boyfriend from the age of 17 - 21, very dramatic as most young loves are but the relationship also taught me so much including appreciating those who genuinely make you happy. After a very turbulent 4 years, we finally split and I branched out on my own for the first time. I moved in with a colleague from work who had a room to rent and who in turn introduced me to Ash. We hung out as friends for a couple of months but after one drunken night in Key West, Florida I phoned Ash and told him I was taking him out on a date! He did resist, but I got my way and after one long lazy lunch on a Saturday afternoon in May 2002, I knew I'd found my soul mate. 8 months later we were married by Elvis in Las Vegas and nearly 9 years on I have to say I'm just as happy, if not more so!
When we got married we both quit our jobs and moved overseas, we spent 6 months in Spain with Ash's parents who had retired and we then headed down to Australia where we spent the best part of a year in Perth. Upon coming home in late 2004 we finally settled, bought our flat and found our feet in our current jobs which have enabled us to continue travelling in our free time. Getting the dog last summer has to be the last step on the commitment ladder before the patter of baby feet come along, that one I am still not 100% decided on!
So, things were ticking along nicely, yes life was a rollercoaster and although Ash and I have an incredibly tight relationship, there have been a number of outside factors that have caused huge amounts of drama, stress and upset. In hindsight my illness built up over a good 18-24 months (and I ignored all the warning signs), but I felt my world came crashing down around me one day last July. What has happened since then is a huge change in my attitude, my outlook on life and my desire to share my experiences, thank you for taking the time to read this and please feel free to share it with anyone you think may benefit from reading my story.
Meditation!
One reason why I wanted to get the blog kick started now is because I am going along to my first meditation class tonight. I am trying to overcome images of monks and burning incense and am very happy that my wonderful friend (who is also my Manager at work) Lois is coming along with me. I will come back to how I stumbled across meditation and what it is doing to help my recovery but for any budding wanna-bees I thought it would be useful to simultaneously talk about the course as I'm doing it.
Of course, meditation is not for just for people who are particularly stressed or anxious, it can be a great way to get a bit of much needed 'me' time, to learn a few relaxation techniques which all of us can benefit from or to just do something different with your spare time. Hopefully not everyone reading my blog will be poorly or need advice on anxiety or depression so this should strike a bit of interest for those people just interested in a healthier work/life balance or anyone looking for tips on how to overcome basic worries enabling you to wind down or sleep a little easier.
Of course, meditation is not for just for people who are particularly stressed or anxious, it can be a great way to get a bit of much needed 'me' time, to learn a few relaxation techniques which all of us can benefit from or to just do something different with your spare time. Hopefully not everyone reading my blog will be poorly or need advice on anxiety or depression so this should strike a bit of interest for those people just interested in a healthier work/life balance or anyone looking for tips on how to overcome basic worries enabling you to wind down or sleep a little easier.
Acceptance & Sharing
I have been thinking about writing a blog for a while but if I am completely honest it has taken this long for me to feel comfortable enough with my illness to speak about it out loud. As I have gradually started to chat with friends about what I'm going through, there is rarely an occasion when that friend hasn't known another friend or family member who has been through something similar. I now realise that mental health and its stigma boils down in part to people like me who have been or who are going through it and still feel ashamed or embarrassed holding their hands up and saying "yes, that's me!'. I've decided it's time to break the mould, to be proud of the person I am and to share my experiences in the hope that if it helps or changes just 1 persons perceptions, I'll be pleased!
How I got here and the crazy life that preceded my breakdown will need to be shared over a few chapters as there is a lot to write but I also want to help other people recognise triggers of anxiety, stress & depression and give some helpful advice on what you can do either if you can feel your life heading in this direction or if you read my blog and feel like you are going through something similar.
I am a very normal, 30 year old girl and I am proof that nobody is indestructible and this can happen to any of us at any time. I'd be really interested in your feedback and comments and look forward to sharing more with you soon!
How I got here and the crazy life that preceded my breakdown will need to be shared over a few chapters as there is a lot to write but I also want to help other people recognise triggers of anxiety, stress & depression and give some helpful advice on what you can do either if you can feel your life heading in this direction or if you read my blog and feel like you are going through something similar.
I am a very normal, 30 year old girl and I am proof that nobody is indestructible and this can happen to any of us at any time. I'd be really interested in your feedback and comments and look forward to sharing more with you soon!
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