After 2 weeks of gradually feeling worse, I finally hit my low on Thursday. The day started off well and I had a great therapy session. When I came out I had a little bit of news which caused a rather emotional (over) reaction and I started to lose the plot at a rapid rate!
It was without doubt one of the worst days I've had in a very long time, emotionally and physically draining. I cried for 3 hours non stop and I mean proper sobbing, not this quiet sniffling nonsense! It's times like this when your support network really comes into play. I phoned Lois and completely broke-down, there's only a handful of people I'd feel comfortable seeing with mascara streaming down my cheeks and she was here in an instant. I felt overwhelmed, I couldn't gain control, I had thoughts of never getting through this, anger, frustration and a huge desire (for a few short moments) to give up trying... after all, day in, day out this is really hard work and although I manage to pull a smile out of the bag most of the time, I still have that instinct inside telling me that although the 'bad days' are getting fewer, I still get them and things are just not easy at the moment, end of.
As always, I am trying to look at this experience positively and I have always believed that when you feel that you've hot rock bottom then there is only one way to go and that is up.
Suffice to say, a cup of horlicks and an early night seemed to have the desired effect and I woke up on Friday morning feeling brighter despite feeling absolutely drained from the day before - almost like a hangover without the fun which has to be the most unfair thing ever! I got myself up, did some work and even made it into the office, the first time since Monday which was a great personal achievement.
I now have a couple of weeks off work, a few days away and a few days at home. I'm looking forward to the break although this will be the first time going on a plane since being diagnosed with GAD (hence a 30 minute flight to start me off!). I am already feeling anxious but I will make myself do it no matter what! It's a perfect opportunity to put into practice everything I have learnt about worry and panic and I am looking forward to the destination. I'll be recharging my batteries and taking some time out for me. It's amazing how much I look forward to some quiet alone time now, I couldn't stand it before! So, for now I am back on the way up. I have learnt the hard way that I cannot predict how long this will last for, so I'm going to continue to take each day as it comes and enjoy each moment as best I can. That's all I can do. Eventually this will pass and in the meantime I'm determined not to lose my smile :-)
No comments:
Post a Comment