I am very excited to write that I coped really well! As we arrived at Gatwick I could feel the anxiety rising in my body. I felt hot, nauseas, shaky, a little unsteady but I recognised it as anxiety and talked myself through it. I knew if I didn't accept what it was then I could easily spiral into panic and I really did not want that to happen. The airport was bright and busy and I had to focus. I found security noisy and stimulating but got through it and sat down when I got to the other side. I chose not to browse around the shops and restaurants this time, as it was the first time in a while, and went to the gate where I could wait quietly. I distracted myself from thinking about the flight by playing Boggle on the iPad which worked a treat and I boarded the aircraft calmly. I felt in control. The flight was really enjoyable and the whole experience in hindsight was one of the best I've had in a number of years. Yessss!
The trip started on the right foot and continued in that way. One of my main areas for worry stems around the need to be constantly reassured about my Husbands safety. I have had a number of pretty serious 'meltdowns' in the past when Ash has been working away from home and I had convinced myself that something awful had happened to him. This is something we have been working on at therapy and I saw how far I had come whilst on this trip. Ash was out working from 7am-7pm and I didn't get in contact once. On one of the days he even flew to Guernsey on a tiny 16 seater prop plane and I didn't even need to know that he had landed safely. This will seem minor to people who haven't suffered with this but it has eaten me up in the past and for me to spend 3 days on my own without checking news reports for bombs or car crashes was totally liberating.
I pushed myself while I was in Jersey. I had a hire car for a day and drove myself around without a map, not caring if I got lost. I had got into the habit of shying away in hotels, ordering room service to avoid going out and feeling uncomfortable and judged on my appearance. While I was here I made myself choose a different restaurant every evening and adopted a genuine 'don't give a toss' attitude. The result was that I had such a more fulfilled experience, we ate thai food on the beach, we went to a beach bar where we were the oldest people by 15 years, we even got dressed up and dined in an exquisite michelin starred restaurant, I even asked the sommelier for help choosing a delicious glass of wine. Things I have not done in far too long. I felt like ME!
On my last day there, I even went and sat down at the beach, in a swimsuit and beach dress, right by all the surfers and read my book. And I don't think anyone even gave a hoot - that's the thing I'm realising, there are a few mean, nasty people in this world who will always go out of their way to make others feel bad about themselves but on the whole, people are wrapped up in their own worlds and do not even notice or care!
I did push the boundaries and the good far outweighs the bad but it wasn't a miraculous cure. I still felt poorly most days, I just think that by spending time on my own, there was no pressure. I spent the days quietly with no music or TV (I have never felt comfortable with this in my life!) reading and watching the waves, but if I felt tired or unwell, I could lay down for a while and it was of no concern to anyone.
There is one day that I keep thinking about. The second day I was there, the Tuesday. I am not sure what happened but I can hold my hands up and say that it was the most relaxed I have ever felt in my life. I never really understand people when they say 'I feel so relaxed' or 'I am so chilled out' I'd usually just nod along thinking I'd felt it and knew what they were talking about. However, I now do! By the time Ash finished work that day and came home, I felt so completely relaxed, it was almost euphoric and I had even been laughing to myself! We went out for some dinner, I felt calm, confident and was engaging with staff and locals, it felt so fantastic. This is what I want to strive for on a more regular basis!
So all in all it was brilliant, I am now ready for my next challenge!
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