Pills, Meds, Drugs

As I said in the last post I was adamant that I would not go down the route of anti-depressents.

At the beginning of September I started taking a beta blocker called Propranolol to help ease the symptoms of Anxiety. I was finding that I was still shaking a lot (this was because of the excess adrenaline pumping around my body as I prepared for the 'flight or fight' mode) and finding myself becoming very clammy and sweaty which I was self conscious of in public. The Propranolol has helped to ease these symptoms and I am still taking them now.

By November I realised that despite the counselling and the numerous other things I was trying with the vitamins etc that something still wasn't quite clicking. I was still having far more bad days than good days and was only making it into the office once or twice a week and only for 1 or 2 hours at a time before I felt completely exhausted (all the nerve endings in the brain were being overstimulated leading to feelings of fatigue).
This happened to coincide with one chilly November morning when Lois sent me a text to say she had been listening to a debate on the Jeremy Vine show about depression and anxiety and that she thought I should try and get hold of it.
I found it on the iPlayer and have to say that I had tears running down my cheeks as I heard Jeremy and Dr Tim Cantopher (from The Priory) discussing this physical illness and it all just rung so true with me. Lots of people were calling in with very similar stories to mine and it was a real turning point for me. So much so that I wrote to Radio 2 and asked for a copy on CD which I now have. Lois then surprised me by getting hold of the book that Dr Cantopher wrote. It's called 'Depressive Illness - The curse of the strong' and is the most insightful book I've ever read, it has literally become my bible!

There are lots of parts in the book that mean lots to me but the chapter on medication and how it can help with the recovery was great. In the space of a view minutes it answered all my questions on anti-depressants and I finally had an understanding of how they actually work. If you want to gain an understanding yourself, you must get this book, it is very easy to understand and I'm sure it'll give you the same confidence it gave me to give the medication a try.

Dr P has since left my surgery (typical!! although not without a balloon and cupcakes in true Lucy style) but I am now in the capable hands of Dr Watson and we had a good chat about the tablets before I started them in December.

I can't lie, the first few weeks were tough and I did suffer from some side effects but I am now 3 months in and in the last month I have really noticed a dramatic improvement. My limbic system is getting back to how it should be and I'm hoping to be on the tablets for a maximum of a year but we'll see how it goes.

Do I wish I'd taken them sooner? Kind of, but I think this whole journey, however awful it has been has been a massive learning curve and if I'd have gone straight on them I don't think I'd be making the well rounded full recovery that I really think I am. It's not just been the tablets either, it's been the therapy, the course, the support of my friends and family and my own positive attitude that combined have bought the whole thing together.