When is enough, enough?

Another week on and I am still having what I refer to as a 'blip'. I've been on a bit of a downward spiral for the last couple of weeks and as I have another therapy session tomorrow, I thought I may as well fill you in on my week!

I had three or so great weeks recently, I felt fantastic and threw myself back into my old ways - I think this is perfectly natural, we feel 'normal' and like we can take on the world. I am a standard driven person and will always push myself hard, often to extremes and as we know that's why I ended up where I did. So a little taste of the old me led me to throw myself back into work, doing longer days than I should and I was 'hooked' again. This immediately had a detrimental effect and almost ground me to a halt. Since then I have still been working every day but in the past week have struggled to get out of the front door and those feelings of anxiety have been creeping back in. I have felt physically ill and mentally exhausted. I can't explain it and I certainly can't control it but one thing is clear, in order to manage this condition effectively I need to find some way to lower my standards (whilst still keeping them good!) and to know my boundaries.

Very high standards or perfectionism go hand in hand with stress, anxiety, fatigue and self criticism, so why would anyone want to be like this? Last year I was not only like this at work but with my social performance, my business, my work birthday buffet(!), infact, everything!

What I need to now do is ask myself a different set of questions. Are these standards working for me? What are the health risks? From my previous posts and knowing what I now know, I want a calmer life, I want a more balanced life. I am enjoying eating healthily and spending time with Ash, my doggy and my family. Over the past couple of weeks I can see that I have lost a bit of this balance and my 'rules' have started firing again, so it's time to ask, 'what is enough?' At the moment I honestly do not know, have I fallen into bad habits? Do I want constant acknowledgement for my hard efforts and if so, why?

All I know is at the moment whatever I have done or am doing is not working well for me and I need to make some more changes.. more changes on this ever interesting journey! It's a voyage of discovery and as always, I'm sure I will keep you posted with my findings!

What goes up, must come down (and go back up again!)

I'd been waiting for this little blip to pass before writing my next post, but I've been feeling off colour for a week now so I thought that it might be useful for anyone reading this who is going through the same thing to see that the road to recovery is a bumpy one, no matter how upbeat and positive you are and that is OK!

Last Tuesday I actually felt great in the morning, I went to work, came home and had been looking forward to week 3 of meditation. Over the course of the afternoon I took a downturn and started to feel poorly. I had 48 hours of what I can only describe as flu without the flu(!), I felt sick and achy, I had a sore throat and felt really run down. I had to cancel therapy on Thursday which wasn't ideal, but there was no way could I muster up any energy to leave the house. Every time I go out, even if it's to the newsagent it is a big effort and psychologically I need to be in the right frame of mind.

I had a better day on Friday but completely over did it by doing 9 hours at work (not technically my fault for once!) and although the weekend was a lovely one doing some bits of shopping and visiting our Mums on Mothers Day, it was sociable and tiring. Lois summed it up perfectly at work today, she said it's like imagining myself as a sponge soaking up water and after those few busier days I needed to have all the water squeezed out!
I woke up yesterday with a terrible migraine and suffered with nausea and low mood all day. Today wasn't too much better although I did manage to get myself up and out to the office which was a good thing. I find the office a very stimulating environment with the noise and lights and constant interaction.

Something that I have been trying at the office when I need it is plugging my iPod in. If you are struggling too then I can highly recommend it. It is against our general office policy so you may also need to seek special permission. I have only used it a couple of times when I've really felt the need but it has helped me stay at work far longer than I would have felt able to under normal circumstances.

So, I apologise that this post isn't quite as full of the joys of spring that I would have hoped but I can assure anyone with something similar that I know myself that these bumps in the road are getting fewer and are also less frequent and when I look back I can still see the massive progress that I am making and you will too.

A bizarre night

It just goes to show that when you think you are making real progress, you can get taken down every now and then. I've had a good few weeks of much better sleep & despite still suffering with VERY strange dreams (part anxiety, part medication I think!) I've been having a better quality of sleep. Last night I suddenly woke up at 3am, I felt confused and disorientated, I must have been having a bad dream but I can't remember the content. I got very tearful and felt really frightened, I asked Ash if he would mind sleeping with the bedside light on as I just thought I could hear someone outside and a light always seems to help me in these situations, of course there was no-one there but I felt really freaked out.

I calmed myself down with some breathing techniques and warm milk which is always good for these situations and I did eventually doze back off. When I thought about it this morning I had an unusually busy day yesterday, I have been avoiding busy situations through fear of having a panic attack but I promised John I would try and get myself into some more crowded places and it just so happened that we needed to go and get a bookcase from Ikea (Ikea on a Saturday, hello?!). I did it and I was very pleased but it really did push all my buttons and although I didn't have a panic attack, my adrenal glands must have been working overtime. I was very aware of everyone and everything and very hot/sweaty. I generally felt extremely uncomfortable. I had foolishly not eaten or drunk much all day and when we got in the car to come home I had a bit of a funny turn. On reflection I think this could have contributed to my bad night, I think that all the nerves in my body had been stimulated to the max and as always there were lessons to be learned. I think I was just so relieved to get through the experience (although Ash had lured me with a decaf Starbucks as a reward!).

Hopefully today's nice quiet day with an early night tonight will see me back on the right track and hey, I combatted Ikea on a Saturday so at least something positive came out of it! John will be pleased when I see him on Thursday and hey, a bad night or two in the scheme of things? No biggie. They are getting fewer and farther in between and that's good enough for me!

Useful Books

Here is a list of the books I have used that I have found really interesting/helpful (available on Amazon):

Depressive Illness, The Curse of the Strong - Dr Tim Cantopher
Mind over Mood (workbook)
Mindfulness for Dummies with Audio CD
Buddhism for Dummies
The Monk who sold his Ferrari

Books on prescription.
There are a number of books available for hire from the library on a free prescription, why not ask your GP about similar local schemes for you?
I tried 'Overcoming Anxiety' which was good, but there are lots of other books available too.

Are you a 'Type A' ?

I mentioned earlier having traits of a 'Type A' personality, but what does that mean? I found a nice clear explanation on Wikipedia:

Originally published in the 1950s, the Type A and Type B personality theory is a theory which describes two common, contrasting personality types—the high-strung Type A and the easy-going Type B—as patterns of behavior that could either raise or lower, respectively, one's chances of developing coronary heart disease.

Despite any and all the criticisms of the theory, many people continue to use the terms "Type A" and "Type B" purely to describe personalities, though some still equate the Type A personality with medical disorders like coronary heart disease.

[edit]Type A

The theory describes a Type A individual as ambitious, aggressive, business-like, controlling, highly competitive, impatient, preoccupied with his or her status, time-conscious, andtightly-wound. People with Type A personalities are often high-achieving "workaholics" who multi-task, push themselves with deadlines, and hate both delays and ambivalence.

In his 1996 book, Type A Behavior: Its Diagnosis and Treatment, Friedman suggests that Type A behavior is expressed in three major symptoms: free-floating hostility, which can be triggered by even minor incidents; time urgency and impatience, which causes irritation and exasperation; and a competitive drive, which causes stress and an achievement-driven mentality. The first of these symptoms is believed to be covert and therefore less observable, while the other two are more overt.^[3]

Because of these characteristics, Type A individuals are often described as "stress junkies" by individuals with Type B or other personality types.^{[citation needed]} Many successful business and political leaders have Type A personalities.

[edit]Type B

The theory describes Type B individuals as perfect contrast to those with Type A personalities. People with Type B personalities are generally patient, relaxed, easy-going, and at times lacking an overriding sense of urgency.

Because of these characteristics, Type B individuals are often described as apathetic and disengaged by individuals with Type A or other personality types.^{[citation needed]}

[edit]Type AB

There is also a Type AB personality type, which is a profile for people who cannot be clearly categorized as either Type A or Type B.

What are you? why not take the Discovery Health personality test here:

http://cl1.psychtests.com/take_test.php?idRegTest=2986

Let me know what you get!

We're not the only ones!

As listed on anxietysecrets.com here are a list of celebs who have spoken out about their anxiety disorder:

Isaac Asimov (author)
Kim Basinger (actress)
Roseanne Barr (comedian)
David Bowie (singer)
Charlotte Bronte (author)
Robert Burns (poet)
Barbara Bush (former First Lady - U.S.)
John Candy (comedian)
Earl Campbell (football star)
Naomi Campbell (model)
Dean Cain (actor)
Deanna Carter (singer)
Ray Charles (musician)
Eric Clapton (musician)
Dick Clark (television personality)
Cher (singer, actress)
Michael Crichton (writer)
Sheryl Crow (musician)
Johnny Depp (actor)
Tony Dow (actor director)
Jim Eisenreich (baseball)
Michael English (singer)
Edie Falco (actress)
Sally Field (actress)
Sigmund Freud (psychiatrist)
Aretha Franklin (singer)
James Garner (actor)
Barbara Gordon (filmmaker)
Shecky Greene (comedian)
Pete Harnisch (baseball star)
Anthony Hopkins (actor)
Olivia Hussey (actress)
Beverly Johnson (supermodel)
Naomi Judd (singer)
Al Kasha (songwriter)
Leila Kenzle (actress)
Nicole Kidman (actress)
Courtney Love (singer - actress)
John Madden (announcer)
Howie Mandel (comic)
Robert McFarlane (former National Security Advisor - U.S.)
John Cougar Mellancamp (musician, actor)
John Stuart Mill (philosopher) 
Alanis Morisette (singer)
Edvard Munch (artist)
Sir Isaac Newton (scientist)
Lani O'Grady (actress)
Sir Laurence Olivier (actor)
Donny Osmond (actor)
Marie Osmand (entertainer)
Robin Quivers (radio host)
Bonnie Raitt (musician)
Burt Reynolds (actor)
Joan Rivers (actress)
Winona Ryder (actress)
Charles Schultz (cartoonist)
Willard Scott (weatherman)
Sam Shepard (playwright)
Sissy Spacek (actress)
Carly Simon (singer)
Tom Snyder (host)
John Steinbeck (author)
Howard Stern (king of media)
Barbra Streisand (singer)
Dave Stewart of the (singer – Eurythmics)
Nikola Tesla (inventor)Susan Powter (tv host)
Anne Tyler (author)
Ricky Williams (atlete) 
Ann Wilson (singer)
Oprah Winfrey (host)
W.B. Yeats (poet)

Recovery blips

The road to recovery with any illness is never a smooth one, there will always be bumps along the way. I've had days where I've just felt so frustrated and fed up with feeling ill and I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel, especially if it follows a few 'good days'.
I am naturally a positive person but there has been days where I just couldn't do it, however I want to reassure you if you are going through this that something deep inside does kick in and even if it lasts for 2 or 3 days (even longer) you do start to come out the other side.
The important things to remember are to take baby steps, don't push yourself and learn to recognise when enough is enough. The brilliant book by Dr Tim Cantopher that I mentioned in an earlier post will talk you through this in more detail and how you can minimise these blips.

We had a very tragic loss in our family in January when my Brother-in-law's Wife (and she was a good friend of mine) sadly died after a very short illness, I was fine for a few days, being strong for my Husband but when I started to feel bad, I just went with it. I took a downtown for 2 weeks but I accepted that that was the situation and knew I'd eventually come out the other side. This is an extreme example because naturally something like this will effect everyone and in different ways too but I just wanted to highlight that no matter what the cause, when you are taking steps to recover and you have a setback, you will start moving forward again.

I often describe my recovery as 1 step forward and 2 steps back, but that is still OK, it's just slow, but I promise that if you want to, you will get there.