A bizarre night

It just goes to show that when you think you are making real progress, you can get taken down every now and then. I've had a good few weeks of much better sleep & despite still suffering with VERY strange dreams (part anxiety, part medication I think!) I've been having a better quality of sleep. Last night I suddenly woke up at 3am, I felt confused and disorientated, I must have been having a bad dream but I can't remember the content. I got very tearful and felt really frightened, I asked Ash if he would mind sleeping with the bedside light on as I just thought I could hear someone outside and a light always seems to help me in these situations, of course there was no-one there but I felt really freaked out.

I calmed myself down with some breathing techniques and warm milk which is always good for these situations and I did eventually doze back off. When I thought about it this morning I had an unusually busy day yesterday, I have been avoiding busy situations through fear of having a panic attack but I promised John I would try and get myself into some more crowded places and it just so happened that we needed to go and get a bookcase from Ikea (Ikea on a Saturday, hello?!). I did it and I was very pleased but it really did push all my buttons and although I didn't have a panic attack, my adrenal glands must have been working overtime. I was very aware of everyone and everything and very hot/sweaty. I generally felt extremely uncomfortable. I had foolishly not eaten or drunk much all day and when we got in the car to come home I had a bit of a funny turn. On reflection I think this could have contributed to my bad night, I think that all the nerves in my body had been stimulated to the max and as always there were lessons to be learned. I think I was just so relieved to get through the experience (although Ash had lured me with a decaf Starbucks as a reward!).

Hopefully today's nice quiet day with an early night tonight will see me back on the right track and hey, I combatted Ikea on a Saturday so at least something positive came out of it! John will be pleased when I see him on Thursday and hey, a bad night or two in the scheme of things? No biggie. They are getting fewer and farther in between and that's good enough for me!

Useful Books

Here is a list of the books I have used that I have found really interesting/helpful (available on Amazon):

Depressive Illness, The Curse of the Strong - Dr Tim Cantopher
Mind over Mood (workbook)
Mindfulness for Dummies with Audio CD
Buddhism for Dummies
The Monk who sold his Ferrari

Books on prescription.
There are a number of books available for hire from the library on a free prescription, why not ask your GP about similar local schemes for you?
I tried 'Overcoming Anxiety' which was good, but there are lots of other books available too.

Are you a 'Type A' ?

I mentioned earlier having traits of a 'Type A' personality, but what does that mean? I found a nice clear explanation on Wikipedia:

Originally published in the 1950s, the Type A and Type B personality theory is a theory which describes two common, contrasting personality types—the high-strung Type A and the easy-going Type B—as patterns of behavior that could either raise or lower, respectively, one's chances of developing coronary heart disease.

Despite any and all the criticisms of the theory, many people continue to use the terms "Type A" and "Type B" purely to describe personalities, though some still equate the Type A personality with medical disorders like coronary heart disease.

[edit]Type A

The theory describes a Type A individual as ambitious, aggressive, business-like, controlling, highly competitive, impatient, preoccupied with his or her status, time-conscious, andtightly-wound. People with Type A personalities are often high-achieving "workaholics" who multi-task, push themselves with deadlines, and hate both delays and ambivalence.

In his 1996 book, Type A Behavior: Its Diagnosis and Treatment, Friedman suggests that Type A behavior is expressed in three major symptoms: free-floating hostility, which can be triggered by even minor incidents; time urgency and impatience, which causes irritation and exasperation; and a competitive drive, which causes stress and an achievement-driven mentality. The first of these symptoms is believed to be covert and therefore less observable, while the other two are more overt.^[3]

Because of these characteristics, Type A individuals are often described as "stress junkies" by individuals with Type B or other personality types.^{[citation needed]} Many successful business and political leaders have Type A personalities.

[edit]Type B

The theory describes Type B individuals as perfect contrast to those with Type A personalities. People with Type B personalities are generally patient, relaxed, easy-going, and at times lacking an overriding sense of urgency.

Because of these characteristics, Type B individuals are often described as apathetic and disengaged by individuals with Type A or other personality types.^{[citation needed]}

[edit]Type AB

There is also a Type AB personality type, which is a profile for people who cannot be clearly categorized as either Type A or Type B.

What are you? why not take the Discovery Health personality test here:

http://cl1.psychtests.com/take_test.php?idRegTest=2986

Let me know what you get!

We're not the only ones!

As listed on anxietysecrets.com here are a list of celebs who have spoken out about their anxiety disorder:

Isaac Asimov (author)
Kim Basinger (actress)
Roseanne Barr (comedian)
David Bowie (singer)
Charlotte Bronte (author)
Robert Burns (poet)
Barbara Bush (former First Lady - U.S.)
John Candy (comedian)
Earl Campbell (football star)
Naomi Campbell (model)
Dean Cain (actor)
Deanna Carter (singer)
Ray Charles (musician)
Eric Clapton (musician)
Dick Clark (television personality)
Cher (singer, actress)
Michael Crichton (writer)
Sheryl Crow (musician)
Johnny Depp (actor)
Tony Dow (actor director)
Jim Eisenreich (baseball)
Michael English (singer)
Edie Falco (actress)
Sally Field (actress)
Sigmund Freud (psychiatrist)
Aretha Franklin (singer)
James Garner (actor)
Barbara Gordon (filmmaker)
Shecky Greene (comedian)
Pete Harnisch (baseball star)
Anthony Hopkins (actor)
Olivia Hussey (actress)
Beverly Johnson (supermodel)
Naomi Judd (singer)
Al Kasha (songwriter)
Leila Kenzle (actress)
Nicole Kidman (actress)
Courtney Love (singer - actress)
John Madden (announcer)
Howie Mandel (comic)
Robert McFarlane (former National Security Advisor - U.S.)
John Cougar Mellancamp (musician, actor)
John Stuart Mill (philosopher) 
Alanis Morisette (singer)
Edvard Munch (artist)
Sir Isaac Newton (scientist)
Lani O'Grady (actress)
Sir Laurence Olivier (actor)
Donny Osmond (actor)
Marie Osmand (entertainer)
Robin Quivers (radio host)
Bonnie Raitt (musician)
Burt Reynolds (actor)
Joan Rivers (actress)
Winona Ryder (actress)
Charles Schultz (cartoonist)
Willard Scott (weatherman)
Sam Shepard (playwright)
Sissy Spacek (actress)
Carly Simon (singer)
Tom Snyder (host)
John Steinbeck (author)
Howard Stern (king of media)
Barbra Streisand (singer)
Dave Stewart of the (singer – Eurythmics)
Nikola Tesla (inventor)Susan Powter (tv host)
Anne Tyler (author)
Ricky Williams (atlete) 
Ann Wilson (singer)
Oprah Winfrey (host)
W.B. Yeats (poet)

Recovery blips

The road to recovery with any illness is never a smooth one, there will always be bumps along the way. I've had days where I've just felt so frustrated and fed up with feeling ill and I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel, especially if it follows a few 'good days'.
I am naturally a positive person but there has been days where I just couldn't do it, however I want to reassure you if you are going through this that something deep inside does kick in and even if it lasts for 2 or 3 days (even longer) you do start to come out the other side.
The important things to remember are to take baby steps, don't push yourself and learn to recognise when enough is enough. The brilliant book by Dr Tim Cantopher that I mentioned in an earlier post will talk you through this in more detail and how you can minimise these blips.

We had a very tragic loss in our family in January when my Brother-in-law's Wife (and she was a good friend of mine) sadly died after a very short illness, I was fine for a few days, being strong for my Husband but when I started to feel bad, I just went with it. I took a downtown for 2 weeks but I accepted that that was the situation and knew I'd eventually come out the other side. This is an extreme example because naturally something like this will effect everyone and in different ways too but I just wanted to highlight that no matter what the cause, when you are taking steps to recover and you have a setback, you will start moving forward again.

I often describe my recovery as 1 step forward and 2 steps back, but that is still OK, it's just slow, but I promise that if you want to, you will get there.

GAD - According to Wikipedia

Generalized anxiety disorder

Main article: Generalized anxiety disorder

Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) is a common chronic disorder characterized by long-lasting anxiety that is not focused on any one object or situation. Those suffering from generalized anxiety experience non-specific persistent fear and worry and become overly concerned with everyday matters. Generalized anxiety disorder is the most common anxiety disorder to affect older adults.^[4] Anxiety can be a symptom of a medical or substance abuse problem, and medical professionals must be aware of this. A diagnosis of GAD is made when a person has been excessively worried about an everyday problem for six months or more.^[5] A person may find they have problems making daily decisions and remembering commitments as a result of lack of concentration/preoccupation with worry.^[6] Appearance looks strained, skin is pale with increased sweating from the hands, feet and axillae. May be tearful which can suggest depression.^[7] Before a diagnosis of anxiety disorder is made, nurses and physicians must rule out drug-induced anxiety and medical causes.^[8]

What is Lucy like now?

I think it goes without saying that I've had to make some huge changes to my lifestyle. It's an old cliche but you only get one life (in this form anyway!) and if I want it to be a long, healthy and happy one I've simply had to make some adjustments.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I am doing well with my get back to work plan, I have to say that my employers have been wonderful. As well as Lois being my absolute rock, the company have bent over backwards to help and make me feel comfortable, that has been another key factor in the recovery and I am very grateful for that.

I've had to put the balloon business on hold, yes I love it, yes I am getting my creativeness back but do I want to be working that many hours and filling up my weekends with jobs that don't generate much profit? would I rather be spending time in the park my my doggy and my Husband? A big part of this particular decision has been around my feelings of failure but after analysing it with John I really haven't failed, infact in the time I was doing it it was a success, I have just made the decision to not continue with it at the level it was in favour of a more relaxed way of life, I don't think anyone can hold that against me?! Yes I do owe my in-laws some money but I'm confident I'll pay them back - hopefully sooner rather than later!

I've taken a long hard look at my friends, I've learnt who my good friends are and although it sounds ruthless, they are the ones who will get my excess energy going forward (only when I have energy to spare!). I have distanced myself from other people's emotional problems, it's meant I've had to be a bit more honest than I ever would have been before but I don't think it's a bad thing, I have a bit of a spring in my step and feel so much better about everything. I worry if I've become selfish, but I don't think I have, I'm just a bit more picky and again that is not a bad thing.

The last time I had a hectic weekend was last July and my mantra going forward is 'balance, balance, balance'.. I honestly don't think I'll ever go back down that road again, not now I've tasted how nice quiet weekends in the garden are!

The only other big change in my life has been the drinking, I really did use to enjoy some wine or a few beers but for some reason since I've been poorly I've really gone off it, I suppose the thought of hangover whilst already feeling ill every single day is just unbearable! I've had the odd glass here and there but not a drop since January, not a conscious decision, just how it is. I've also cut out caffeinated drinks and now only have decaf tea, coffee and diet coke, I read that caffeine acts like a mild amphetamine in the body and I figured that was the last thing I needed right now!

So that's the most of it. I'll be adding updates along the way so please keep checking back and please feel free to comment or share your experiences too.

Many thanks for your support and here's to a healthier, happier rest of the year.