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Friday, 3 February 2012
Wednesday, 25 May 2011
That was going well!
The week after the Royal Wedding celebration was tough, I then felt very frustrated and angry at feeling sick all the time. It feels like every day there is something wrong and I just get incredibly annoyed. I feel pressure to be at work (mainly from myself), this is so hard when I have zero get up and go and don't want to step outside my front door.
I got to a bit of a breaking point where I felt I needed to take some extended leave. I went as far as speaking to Lois about it even though I knew deep down that it wasn't what I really wanted. I'm pleased to say that I've put those ideas to one side for now!
Over the next couple of days I felt better and after doing a week in the office felt much stronger and happier. It's never about wanting to leave work with me, more about the strain I feel I am putting on my colleagues, it's really upsetting and when I have those down days as I just can't see any clear way out.
Last week I went down with gastroentiritus, 7 days of horrendous-ness! Initially I just couldn't believe my luck but as the Dr said, everyone gets infections like this and it's not my fault, or connected to my other health problems. Ironically by the end of last week I was feeling the best I had done in a while although unfortunately I did have a bit of a relapse yesterday and feeling drained and low again today.
I've increased my anti-depressant medication but my GP did also warn that because of the gastroentiritus, the tablets may not have been fully absorbed and could have a knock on effect. I didn't really think it would but it feels that way today.
I just find that I'm constantly questioning, often when there is no answer. Do I feel rubbish because I've had a nasty infection or is it because my tablets have increased, or is it because they didn't work fully last week?! It's funny how last week I didn't feel so out of control, I understood what was wrong with me, other people understood what was wrong. I knew it would take 1-2 weeks to feel better and that would be that. As always with the GAD I don't know when I will feel good or bad, when the tablets will work and when I will feel normal or if I ever will!
I feel like this post isn't as inspiring as some others but I feel it's important for others going through this to see that it's not all rosy for me and also for myself to acknowledge the bad times, sometimes it's easy to just brush these days under the carpet.
I got to a bit of a breaking point where I felt I needed to take some extended leave. I went as far as speaking to Lois about it even though I knew deep down that it wasn't what I really wanted. I'm pleased to say that I've put those ideas to one side for now!
Over the next couple of days I felt better and after doing a week in the office felt much stronger and happier. It's never about wanting to leave work with me, more about the strain I feel I am putting on my colleagues, it's really upsetting and when I have those down days as I just can't see any clear way out.
Last week I went down with gastroentiritus, 7 days of horrendous-ness! Initially I just couldn't believe my luck but as the Dr said, everyone gets infections like this and it's not my fault, or connected to my other health problems. Ironically by the end of last week I was feeling the best I had done in a while although unfortunately I did have a bit of a relapse yesterday and feeling drained and low again today.
I've increased my anti-depressant medication but my GP did also warn that because of the gastroentiritus, the tablets may not have been fully absorbed and could have a knock on effect. I didn't really think it would but it feels that way today.
I just find that I'm constantly questioning, often when there is no answer. Do I feel rubbish because I've had a nasty infection or is it because my tablets have increased, or is it because they didn't work fully last week?! It's funny how last week I didn't feel so out of control, I understood what was wrong with me, other people understood what was wrong. I knew it would take 1-2 weeks to feel better and that would be that. As always with the GAD I don't know when I will feel good or bad, when the tablets will work and when I will feel normal or if I ever will!
I feel like this post isn't as inspiring as some others but I feel it's important for others going through this to see that it's not all rosy for me and also for myself to acknowledge the bad times, sometimes it's easy to just brush these days under the carpet.
You are cordially invited...
To celebrate the wedding of Wills & Kate, Ash had the brilliant idea of throwing an afternoon tea party for close friends and family as a way of saying thank you for their support over the last 10 months.
We had a fantastic day and it was another situation where I could see the progress that I had made. Firstly I ordered in - I know for a fact I would have spent hours and hours making food in the past, putting myself under huge pressure. What's the point when Sainsbury's make super sandwich platters?! I also asked everyone to bring something along, I felt a bit cheeky but no one seemed to mind!
I also took time to sit down and made time for everyone that came. I used to be so swept up in hosting that I'd often have no time to enjoy it myself so this was a whole new experience for me and what a lovely one it was too!
We had a fantastic day and it was another situation where I could see the progress that I had made. Firstly I ordered in - I know for a fact I would have spent hours and hours making food in the past, putting myself under huge pressure. What's the point when Sainsbury's make super sandwich platters?! I also asked everyone to bring something along, I felt a bit cheeky but no one seemed to mind!
I also took time to sit down and made time for everyone that came. I used to be so swept up in hosting that I'd often have no time to enjoy it myself so this was a whole new experience for me and what a lovely one it was too!
I heart Jersey
In my last post I spoke about taking a trip to Jersey and the anxious feelings I was having ahead of the flight.
I am very excited to write that I coped really well! As we arrived at Gatwick I could feel the anxiety rising in my body. I felt hot, nauseas, shaky, a little unsteady but I recognised it as anxiety and talked myself through it. I knew if I didn't accept what it was then I could easily spiral into panic and I really did not want that to happen. The airport was bright and busy and I had to focus. I found security noisy and stimulating but got through it and sat down when I got to the other side. I chose not to browse around the shops and restaurants this time, as it was the first time in a while, and went to the gate where I could wait quietly. I distracted myself from thinking about the flight by playing Boggle on the iPad which worked a treat and I boarded the aircraft calmly. I felt in control. The flight was really enjoyable and the whole experience in hindsight was one of the best I've had in a number of years. Yessss!
The trip started on the right foot and continued in that way. One of my main areas for worry stems around the need to be constantly reassured about my Husbands safety. I have had a number of pretty serious 'meltdowns' in the past when Ash has been working away from home and I had convinced myself that something awful had happened to him. This is something we have been working on at therapy and I saw how far I had come whilst on this trip. Ash was out working from 7am-7pm and I didn't get in contact once. On one of the days he even flew to Guernsey on a tiny 16 seater prop plane and I didn't even need to know that he had landed safely. This will seem minor to people who haven't suffered with this but it has eaten me up in the past and for me to spend 3 days on my own without checking news reports for bombs or car crashes was totally liberating.
I pushed myself while I was in Jersey. I had a hire car for a day and drove myself around without a map, not caring if I got lost. I had got into the habit of shying away in hotels, ordering room service to avoid going out and feeling uncomfortable and judged on my appearance. While I was here I made myself choose a different restaurant every evening and adopted a genuine 'don't give a toss' attitude. The result was that I had such a more fulfilled experience, we ate thai food on the beach, we went to a beach bar where we were the oldest people by 15 years, we even got dressed up and dined in an exquisite michelin starred restaurant, I even asked the sommelier for help choosing a delicious glass of wine. Things I have not done in far too long. I felt like ME!
On my last day there, I even went and sat down at the beach, in a swimsuit and beach dress, right by all the surfers and read my book. And I don't think anyone even gave a hoot - that's the thing I'm realising, there are a few mean, nasty people in this world who will always go out of their way to make others feel bad about themselves but on the whole, people are wrapped up in their own worlds and do not even notice or care!
I did push the boundaries and the good far outweighs the bad but it wasn't a miraculous cure. I still felt poorly most days, I just think that by spending time on my own, there was no pressure. I spent the days quietly with no music or TV (I have never felt comfortable with this in my life!) reading and watching the waves, but if I felt tired or unwell, I could lay down for a while and it was of no concern to anyone.
There is one day that I keep thinking about. The second day I was there, the Tuesday. I am not sure what happened but I can hold my hands up and say that it was the most relaxed I have ever felt in my life. I never really understand people when they say 'I feel so relaxed' or 'I am so chilled out' I'd usually just nod along thinking I'd felt it and knew what they were talking about. However, I now do! By the time Ash finished work that day and came home, I felt so completely relaxed, it was almost euphoric and I had even been laughing to myself! We went out for some dinner, I felt calm, confident and was engaging with staff and locals, it felt so fantastic. This is what I want to strive for on a more regular basis!
So all in all it was brilliant, I am now ready for my next challenge!
I am very excited to write that I coped really well! As we arrived at Gatwick I could feel the anxiety rising in my body. I felt hot, nauseas, shaky, a little unsteady but I recognised it as anxiety and talked myself through it. I knew if I didn't accept what it was then I could easily spiral into panic and I really did not want that to happen. The airport was bright and busy and I had to focus. I found security noisy and stimulating but got through it and sat down when I got to the other side. I chose not to browse around the shops and restaurants this time, as it was the first time in a while, and went to the gate where I could wait quietly. I distracted myself from thinking about the flight by playing Boggle on the iPad which worked a treat and I boarded the aircraft calmly. I felt in control. The flight was really enjoyable and the whole experience in hindsight was one of the best I've had in a number of years. Yessss!
The trip started on the right foot and continued in that way. One of my main areas for worry stems around the need to be constantly reassured about my Husbands safety. I have had a number of pretty serious 'meltdowns' in the past when Ash has been working away from home and I had convinced myself that something awful had happened to him. This is something we have been working on at therapy and I saw how far I had come whilst on this trip. Ash was out working from 7am-7pm and I didn't get in contact once. On one of the days he even flew to Guernsey on a tiny 16 seater prop plane and I didn't even need to know that he had landed safely. This will seem minor to people who haven't suffered with this but it has eaten me up in the past and for me to spend 3 days on my own without checking news reports for bombs or car crashes was totally liberating.
I pushed myself while I was in Jersey. I had a hire car for a day and drove myself around without a map, not caring if I got lost. I had got into the habit of shying away in hotels, ordering room service to avoid going out and feeling uncomfortable and judged on my appearance. While I was here I made myself choose a different restaurant every evening and adopted a genuine 'don't give a toss' attitude. The result was that I had such a more fulfilled experience, we ate thai food on the beach, we went to a beach bar where we were the oldest people by 15 years, we even got dressed up and dined in an exquisite michelin starred restaurant, I even asked the sommelier for help choosing a delicious glass of wine. Things I have not done in far too long. I felt like ME!
On my last day there, I even went and sat down at the beach, in a swimsuit and beach dress, right by all the surfers and read my book. And I don't think anyone even gave a hoot - that's the thing I'm realising, there are a few mean, nasty people in this world who will always go out of their way to make others feel bad about themselves but on the whole, people are wrapped up in their own worlds and do not even notice or care!
I did push the boundaries and the good far outweighs the bad but it wasn't a miraculous cure. I still felt poorly most days, I just think that by spending time on my own, there was no pressure. I spent the days quietly with no music or TV (I have never felt comfortable with this in my life!) reading and watching the waves, but if I felt tired or unwell, I could lay down for a while and it was of no concern to anyone.
There is one day that I keep thinking about. The second day I was there, the Tuesday. I am not sure what happened but I can hold my hands up and say that it was the most relaxed I have ever felt in my life. I never really understand people when they say 'I feel so relaxed' or 'I am so chilled out' I'd usually just nod along thinking I'd felt it and knew what they were talking about. However, I now do! By the time Ash finished work that day and came home, I felt so completely relaxed, it was almost euphoric and I had even been laughing to myself! We went out for some dinner, I felt calm, confident and was engaging with staff and locals, it felt so fantastic. This is what I want to strive for on a more regular basis!
So all in all it was brilliant, I am now ready for my next challenge!
Where does the time go?!
I've been meaning to sit down and update my blog for a couple of weeks now, but the time just flies by! Lots has been happening, some good, some not so good, so I'm going to backtrack a little and fill you in. If I'm honest, I'm struggling today so I have been reading over my old posts for inspiration and to remind me how far I've come. I often feel like I'm making no progress so having this is super as I can see that I am! I hope you're all keeping well and have been enjoying the sunshine.
Saturday, 16 April 2011
Opening the floodgates...
After 2 weeks of gradually feeling worse, I finally hit my low on Thursday. The day started off well and I had a great therapy session. When I came out I had a little bit of news which caused a rather emotional (over) reaction and I started to lose the plot at a rapid rate!
It was without doubt one of the worst days I've had in a very long time, emotionally and physically draining. I cried for 3 hours non stop and I mean proper sobbing, not this quiet sniffling nonsense! It's times like this when your support network really comes into play. I phoned Lois and completely broke-down, there's only a handful of people I'd feel comfortable seeing with mascara streaming down my cheeks and she was here in an instant. I felt overwhelmed, I couldn't gain control, I had thoughts of never getting through this, anger, frustration and a huge desire (for a few short moments) to give up trying... after all, day in, day out this is really hard work and although I manage to pull a smile out of the bag most of the time, I still have that instinct inside telling me that although the 'bad days' are getting fewer, I still get them and things are just not easy at the moment, end of.
As always, I am trying to look at this experience positively and I have always believed that when you feel that you've hot rock bottom then there is only one way to go and that is up.
Suffice to say, a cup of horlicks and an early night seemed to have the desired effect and I woke up on Friday morning feeling brighter despite feeling absolutely drained from the day before - almost like a hangover without the fun which has to be the most unfair thing ever! I got myself up, did some work and even made it into the office, the first time since Monday which was a great personal achievement.
I now have a couple of weeks off work, a few days away and a few days at home. I'm looking forward to the break although this will be the first time going on a plane since being diagnosed with GAD (hence a 30 minute flight to start me off!). I am already feeling anxious but I will make myself do it no matter what! It's a perfect opportunity to put into practice everything I have learnt about worry and panic and I am looking forward to the destination. I'll be recharging my batteries and taking some time out for me. It's amazing how much I look forward to some quiet alone time now, I couldn't stand it before! So, for now I am back on the way up. I have learnt the hard way that I cannot predict how long this will last for, so I'm going to continue to take each day as it comes and enjoy each moment as best I can. That's all I can do. Eventually this will pass and in the meantime I'm determined not to lose my smile :-)
It was without doubt one of the worst days I've had in a very long time, emotionally and physically draining. I cried for 3 hours non stop and I mean proper sobbing, not this quiet sniffling nonsense! It's times like this when your support network really comes into play. I phoned Lois and completely broke-down, there's only a handful of people I'd feel comfortable seeing with mascara streaming down my cheeks and she was here in an instant. I felt overwhelmed, I couldn't gain control, I had thoughts of never getting through this, anger, frustration and a huge desire (for a few short moments) to give up trying... after all, day in, day out this is really hard work and although I manage to pull a smile out of the bag most of the time, I still have that instinct inside telling me that although the 'bad days' are getting fewer, I still get them and things are just not easy at the moment, end of.
As always, I am trying to look at this experience positively and I have always believed that when you feel that you've hot rock bottom then there is only one way to go and that is up.
Suffice to say, a cup of horlicks and an early night seemed to have the desired effect and I woke up on Friday morning feeling brighter despite feeling absolutely drained from the day before - almost like a hangover without the fun which has to be the most unfair thing ever! I got myself up, did some work and even made it into the office, the first time since Monday which was a great personal achievement.
I now have a couple of weeks off work, a few days away and a few days at home. I'm looking forward to the break although this will be the first time going on a plane since being diagnosed with GAD (hence a 30 minute flight to start me off!). I am already feeling anxious but I will make myself do it no matter what! It's a perfect opportunity to put into practice everything I have learnt about worry and panic and I am looking forward to the destination. I'll be recharging my batteries and taking some time out for me. It's amazing how much I look forward to some quiet alone time now, I couldn't stand it before! So, for now I am back on the way up. I have learnt the hard way that I cannot predict how long this will last for, so I'm going to continue to take each day as it comes and enjoy each moment as best I can. That's all I can do. Eventually this will pass and in the meantime I'm determined not to lose my smile :-)
Thursday, 14 April 2011
Baby you're a Firework...
Have just woken up this morning to a wonderful email from a good friend of mine. At the end of the message she posted the words to Firework by Katy Perry, I've listened to the song so many times but not actually listened to the words! If you're also going through a tough time, you might like this :-)
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting throught the wind
Wanting to start again
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in
Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there’s still a chance for you
Cause there’s a spark in you
You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July
Cause baby you’re a firework
Come on show ‘em what your worth
Make ‘em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby you’re a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make ‘em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
You’re gunna leave ‘em fallin’ down-own-own
You don’t have to feel like a waste of space
You’re original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow
Maybe you’re reason why all the doors are closed
So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it’s time, you’ll know
You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July
Cause baby you’re a firework
Come on show ‘em what your worth
Make ‘em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby you’re a firework
Come on slet your colors burst
Make ‘em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
You’re gunna leave ‘em fallin’ down-own-own
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It’s always been inside of you, you, you
And now it’s time to let it through
Cause baby you’re a firework
Come on show ‘em what your worth
Make ‘em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby you’re a firework
Come on slet your colors burst
Make ‘em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
You’re gunna leave ‘em goin “Oh, oh, oh!”
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting throught the wind
Wanting to start again
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in
Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there’s still a chance for you
Cause there’s a spark in you
You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July
Cause baby you’re a firework
Come on show ‘em what your worth
Make ‘em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby you’re a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make ‘em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
You’re gunna leave ‘em fallin’ down-own-own
You don’t have to feel like a waste of space
You’re original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow
Maybe you’re reason why all the doors are closed
So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it’s time, you’ll know
You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July
Cause baby you’re a firework
Come on show ‘em what your worth
Make ‘em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby you’re a firework
Come on slet your colors burst
Make ‘em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
You’re gunna leave ‘em fallin’ down-own-own
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It’s always been inside of you, you, you
And now it’s time to let it through
Cause baby you’re a firework
Come on show ‘em what your worth
Make ‘em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
As you shoot across the sky-y-y
Baby you’re a firework
Come on slet your colors burst
Make ‘em go “Oh, oh, oh!”
You’re gunna leave ‘em goin “Oh, oh, oh!”
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
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